Full text of "Bright and Shining Mind in a Disabled Body"

See other formats

(Front cover - outside)

Nowadays ...

I am fully resigned

From suffering.

(Picture of Khun Kampol)

Bright and Shining Mind
In a Disabled Body

Kampol Thongbunnum
A book of great inspiration

(Front cover - inside)

Most people
Live in suffering
Without knowing
Only when happiness
Gradually fades away
That suffering
Shows its face
Then and there

Not perceiving suffering
One consequently fails
To find the way out
And to get rid of suffering
Once and for all ...

(front pages - 6 phrases and pictures on 6 pages)

Living with Suffering

Without seeing the Suffering

One Immerses Oneself in it

And Becomes the Sufferer

When One Withdraws oneself

To Be One Who Sees the Suffering

Suffering Will Cease Instantly

Bright and Shining Mind
In a Disabled Body

Preface

First Edition

We are all aware that life is uncertain and that birth, old age, and sickness are
common to all nature from which nobody can escape. This fact seems to be so easy to
see that it seems to be at the tip of everyone's tongue. When anyone has a problem in
life, that kind of advice will normally be given. However, in a most unfortunate
circumstance, what should you do if you happen to experience such a problem yourself?
That is you become not just normally ill but severely disabled. The whole body is
paralysed with only movement in the head and arms. You are permanently bed-ridden,
unable to look after yourself, unable even to relief your bladder and bowels.

In the worst scenario, there seems to be no hope in life. You probably couldn't
help but feel that from now on you only have to live just to pay back your karma
resulting from whatever you did in the past, and wait to die. While you can still breathe,
you have to suffer on your own, feeling angry and wondering why it has to be 'Me'.

But do you have to end up like that? Is it true that you don't have any options
other than to feel miserable and waiting for the day of your death? The answer from
Khun Kampol Thongbunnum is "No". You may be paralysed but it doesn't mean that
you have to suffer and be miserable. It may be true that one cannot avoid physical pains,
but one can keep one's mind happy. After all, it is only the body that is disabled, the
mind is not.

Khun Kampol has proved that life for disabled people is not just about waiting to
die or living only so as to pay back karma. Disabled people, on the contrary, can create
new karma, new actions, and improve their lives. The new karma created is the practice
of Dhamma or Kammathan (training the mind to develop tranquillity and insight). The
Lord Buddha's teaching is universal. It can be followed by anyone regardless of gender,
age, or status. Physical disability is no obstacle at all.

Khun Kampol has practised Dhamma based on Satipattathan (the foundations of
awareness) following Luang Por Teean's approach. The focus is on being fully aware of
bodily movements without getting involved with concoctions of the mind or thoughts
that keep coming and going without being invited. With this approach, he became
increasingly aware until awareness is firmly and sufficiently established to observe
thoughts, seeing through thoughts, and finally gaining insight into the nature and the
three characteristics of the mind.

At the same time his awareness and clear perception of the bodily and mental
activities have enabled him to realise that the body and the mind are separate. At this
point, he gained the insight that disability is only related to the body, not the mind. Khun
Kampol described the experience at this moment that, "the mind has resigned from the
disabled body. It has detached itself from the body to be with awareness (knowing,
feeling, sensing)". The mind is therefore free from the body's condition and no longer
carries any burden or suffers because of the disabled body.

Khun Kampol' s experience from his Dhamma practice that enables him to
overcome the disability and transform his life is not just for himself, but is for everyone.

Anyone can experience this, not only disabled or gravely ill people. Ordinary people
with normally functioning body can also gain benefit from such experience. One may not
be disabled, but isn't it true that one suffers physically and psychologically all the time?

This book conveys a message of hope to everyone. However great our suffering
is, whatever difficulties there are in our lives, we can be free from it. This book brings
great hope to us all.

Venerable Phra Pisarn Visalo

Vudhidham Fund

For the Study and Practice of Dhamma

Translator's Introduction

This is a remarkable story of Khun Kampol Thongbunnum, a Thai man, whose life
has been turned upside down by an accident that left him paralysed from his neck
downwards. In his search to come to terms with his predicament, he has discovered the
path in Buddhism, the training of the mind, and in particular the development of
awareness under Luang Por Teean's approach, which invokes the Knowing nature within
all human-beings that finally led to the transformation of his life.

The author shared his experience in a book written in Thai. The journey of his life,
from the state of despair to hope and happiness, has inspired me to translate this book
into English so that it could be appreciated by readers in the wider world. I sincerely
hope that his life story will be inspirational to everyone who is searching for the Truth. I
also hope that it can have positive effects on the mind of people who, because of many
distractions in life, have neglected 'Sati' or 'Awareness' and as a result live their lives in
heedlessness, which not only makes their own lives miserable and unsatisfactory but also
adversely affects others. Being self-aware of what one is doing is the first step to get to
know oneself, to understand one's own actions and their consequences. This first small
step will lead to something greater and more meaningful, not only to individuals who
take it, but also to the society as a whole.

I would like to express my gratitude to everyone who has helped make this
translation possible, especially to Manapo Bhikkhu at the Forest Hermitage, Warwick,
England, who kindly proofread the section to do with practising Dhamma, and to Steven
Coulsting who proofread the remainder. I dedicate the merits, from translating this gift
of Dhamma, first of all to my parents, teachers, good friends who have been kind and
supportive to me, and to all beings, including victims of all types of crime, who die or
suffer in unfortunate circumstances, and to the perpetrators, who cause grievance
through ignorance and lack of 'Awareness' so that they may start to contemplate their
actions and their consequences. I particularly dedicate the merit to the teenage girl who
was murdered in May 2005 in England as I felt this tragedy very keenly and was
motivated to translate this book.

Luang Por Teean's dynamic meditation can be practised by anyone in the world.
Following the experience of Khun Kampol will enable readers to develop awareness in
their daily lives and rediscover the Knowing nature within themselves. I hope this book
is instrumental to your finding peace and happiness and consequently spreading love and
compassion throughout the world.

Kanlaya Coulsting
Translator

Contents

Preface, First Edition

Translator's Introduction

Background

The Accident

Physical and Mental Suffering

Seeking Inner Refuge

Beginning of Dhamma Study

The Cessation of Suffering through the Practice of Dhamma

Luang Por Khamkhian Suwanno (My Teacher)

Initial Phase of Kammathan Practice

Inner Change

Observing Body and Mental Activity

The Sufferer Who Becomes the One Who Sees Suffering

Mystery Uncovered

Mental Resignation from Disability

The Positive Side of Disability

Leave Thoughts Alone

Dhamma Is In Everything

Obstacles During the Practice

Final Chapter

Questions and Answers
Answer to Your Queries

Poverty

A drive for success

There is a positive side to study

when one is in a state of scarcity.

Scarcity helps to restrain one's mind

from craving for unnecessary things in life.

If one has everything at one's disposal,

being very comfortable,

one may lose oneself in the luxury of comfort.

One's mind may be let loose; it may "go astray".

One may not have completed one's study.

Come to think of it, one feels thankful to poverty.

It is one of many forces

behind one's achievement in education.

My dreams
and ambitions

I pictured myself in a uniform,

carrying out my duties as a teacher.

It made me feel so proud

that I had finally found happiness in my life.

I decided that from now on

I would carry out my duty to the best of my ability.

I would listen to my superiors, and would not argue.

I would work hard so that

I could be promoted

to a higher position in the civil service.

Once I had money,

I would have a house built for my father and mother.

They would be able to leave their boat

and come to live peacefully in their old age.

I would support my younger siblings in their education.

After that I would become ordained as a monk,

And later I would get married

and have a family of my own.

My life would be happy ever after.

Those were my dreams at that time.

An unexpected accident.

I was diving into the pool.

When my head reached the surface of the water,

instead of pushing my head up

so that my entire body would be

parallel to the surface of the water,

my head went straight to the bottom of the pool.

And that was the cause of this accident.

Disabled for life

Following a physical examination,

the doctor at Central Hospital found that

my fifth neck bone was broken.

This affected the central nervous system

and caused my whole body to be paralysed

and without sensation.

I could only he still,

and was immobile.

The doctor was unable to cure me.

I was to remain disabled like this

for the rest of my life.

For my father

I dedicate all the merits from the publishing of this book to my late father Chit
Tongbunnum, who passed away on 5 February 2001. He was the one who introduced
me to the study and practice of the Dhamma from which I have gained some satisfactory
results. I have found the path to the cessation of suffering, and have been practising until
my suffering has lessened. My father also practised the Dhamma as an example until the
last day of his life.

Kampol Tongbunnum

Bright and Shining Mind
In a Disabled Body

Background

I am a child of poor people who lived on a boat. I was born in May, 1955, at Nakhon
Sawan, Thailand. I am the third child among five children, three boys and two girls. I
was born and spent my life on the boat, without any house on land. Since I can
remember, my father and mother had been running our motorised boat along Chao
Phraya river, earning their living from doing work, such as towing goods, for other
people. I always heard my father and mother talk about the hardship of life on the boat.
It was difficult, risky, and sometimes could be fatal, like when there was a big storm with
strong winds causing boats to clash with one another. Sometimes the boat capsized and
one's belongings got damaged. Living on a boat was also difficult. When they had to
set off on a journey at night, there would be no chance to sleep, and when it's time to
eat, they had to eat in a hurry. The hardship was such that they did not want us to follow
in their footsteps. They would like all their children to lead a different lifestyle, to live
and work on land. They would be the last generation living on the boat. Father
sometimes gave me direct experiences of hardship. This usually happened during the
time in which we were going to set off on a journey at night. Before I went to bed,
Father would summon me to talk to him at the place where he was controlling the boat.
I would sit side by side with him and he would advise me and teach me about many
things. The talk lasted a long time. I felt very sleepy and very cold too. It was really a
torture. I think he probably did that so I could have a taste of hardship, and would be
encouraged to study hard to escape from the hard life on the boat. All of us were
taught to swim so we could help ourselves when we fell into the river. Before we
started school, Father taught us to read and do sums. We were able to read and do our
sums reasonably well. I gave a name to this school, calling it a "Boat School", not a
"Navy College" though.

In 1962, 1 was seven years old. At that time, children of boat people had no opportunity
to go to school because they did not have a proper residence. I was fortunate because
the Government built a school specially for children of boat people. It is a good
disciplinary school under the Ministry of Education. Its name is Bang Kruoy Educational
Welfare School, at Tambon Bang Kruoy, Bang Kruoy District, Nonthaburi Province.
Since I had done some study in our boat school, I did not have to start in Year One of
Primary school. I was allowed to start in Year Two. Bang Kruoy Educational Welfare
School was on the bank of Chao Phraya river, next to the Electricity Generating
Authority of Thailand. Teachers taught us to help ourselves. However, I did not like
school. I preferred to be on the boat because I missed my parents. Every weekend when
there was nothing to do, I would sit at the pier in front of the school, watching boats go
by, and thinking to myself, "When will our boat come passing by?". At the end of each
term, we were allowed to go home and I would be looking forward to being collected by
my parents.

(Page 23, pictures of Khun Kampol when he was a child.)

Childhood was mainly spent on the boat before having the opportunity of attending
school.

Since my parents were not there to take care of me, I felt deprived of love and
intimacy so I did not do well at school. But I was able to look after myself. I finally
finished Year 7 of Primary School and was in the first group of pupils graduating from
that school. I thought I would be able to return to the boat but instead I had to continue
my study. This was because of Mr. Thawee Saengma, the head teacher, who
encouraged me to continue my study at another school and allowed me to live at the first
school.

In 1968, 1 went on to secondary school education at Bang Kruoy School, which
was four kilometres away. After breakfast, I had to rush to school before the beginning
of lessons. On days when I had no money, I had to run there and then ran back to be in
time for evening meals. At Bang Kruoy School, I loved Physical Education. I never
missed school because of this subject. I also enrolled to become a member of the
school football team. I was a goal keeper and loved training in the evenings, even willing
to miss my evening meal to do trainings instead. Because of my love of sports, my
academic subjects suffered. However, in the last term at the end of Mathayomsuksa 3 1 , 1
passed the exam and came first among fifty students in our class, with only 59%. My
father was not very proud of me but my mother bought me a pair of jeans from a market
stall as a reward.

After that, Teacher Thawee Saengma, seeing that I was keen on sports,
encouraged me to continue my study in physical education, but I had to complete
Mathayomsuksa 5 2 first. Studying at the higher secondary level at that time was hard
work. Some students repeated an academic year twice and still failed. My academic
results were not that good, so Teacher Thawee Saengma steered me towards teacher's
training education which was easier than Mathayomsuksa 5.

In 1971, 1 took the entrance exam to enter Chan Kasem Teachers College for the
higher certificate for teachers of primary education. I still lived at the first school, but
using it only as a dormitory. I could not eat there because I had to go to college before
dawn and by the time I came back it was night time. I had to be extra careful with
money while studying at the teachers college because of my limited budget. Spending
more than a day's budget meant I had to starve. I ate just enough to satisfy my hunger
as I had to pay for every meal. A grade system was used at the College and I could
hardly understand it, so I did not do well at the beginning. But I liked sports. I joined
sports every day. After finishing my study each day, I would stroll to see people doing
their training, such as football. I would very much like to join them but I was too small
and had not got the same level of skills as they did. Footballers at that college were all
professional. I could not compete so I did not have courage to join them. When I
walked to the volleyball court, I saw a few people practising. I watched them.
Sometimes a ball happened to roll outside, I would throw it back to help them. I kept on
doing this during the following days. One day while I was busy catching up with the ball,
the teacher supervising the team came into the court and told the players to get in line. I
put the ball into the net in a hurry. As I was about to walk away, I heard a voice calling
from behind. "Little brother, don't go. Get in the line with us". It was a senior female
volleyball player. I was thinking how I could join them because I was not a player. I
was reluctant but the teacher was looking at me, so I decided to run to get in the line

1 "Mathayomsuksa 3" was the final year of the lower secondary education in the old educational
system in Thailand. It was equal to the current Year 10 in the English School system, and Year
10 in a Junior High School in the USA.

" "Mathayomsuksa 5 " was the final year of the higher secondary education in the old educational
system in Thailand. It was equal to Year 12 in the English School system, and Year 12 in a
Senior High School in the USA.

with them. I ended up practising volleyball with players senior to me every day. On the
day players were to be selected to form a college team, twelve players were required,
and there were twelve people for selection. I happened to be the twelfth person at the
end of the line. I finally became the smallest volleyball player for Chan Kasem Teachers
College.

During my study, if I had any problem, Mr. Sakol Kamnoetsiri would be there to
help me. He was a teacher who supervised students at the hall where I was staying. As
a senior student, I was assigned the duty of helping to look after students in that hall.
Teacher Sakol Kamnoetsiri was very friendly to me; he treated me as if I was his younger
brother. If I was short of money, he would lend it to me. But the important thing was
that he helped me with problems I had with my study. I finally completed my study at
Chan Kasem Teachers College and was selected to continue my study to the Higher
Certificate level for teachers of secondary education at the very same college on the
grounds that I was a college sportsman. However, I did not take up the offer because I
wanted to continue my study to obtain a higher certificate to teach Physical Education in
secondary schools.

(P. 27, pictures at Chan Kasem Teachers College and at Mahasarakham Physical
Education College)

In 1973, 1 took the entrance exam to enter Mahasarakham Physical Education
College in Mahasarakham Province. Mr. Thawee Saengma, the head teacher at my first
school, asked Ms. Srimuang Srisuwan, a physical education teacher at Bang Kruoy
Educational Welfare School, to arrange for me to continue my further education at
Mahasarakham Physical Education College. Teacher Srimuang Srisuwan was a female
teacher who was brave and strong. She was confident to speak out and do things, but in
a very kind way. She took me to enrol at the college in Mahasarakham herself. I was
excited at the chance of studying in another province as far as the northeast of Thailand.
I had never had any opportunity to study so far away like this before. Neither was I
aware that there was such a province called Mahasarakham on the map of Thailand.

At Mahasarakham Physical Education College, I thoroughly enjoyed my study so I
worked very hard. What impressed me was personality of the teachers who were sports
talents. Some of them were members of a national team. I therefore paid special
attention to my study and worked hard. When one does something that one enjoys, one
will do well at it. When one learns a subject that one is good at, the results are naturally
good. At this college, there was a variety of sports to choose. I enrolled to become a
team member of four sports; volleyball, football, hockey, and fencing. As a swimming
pool had not been built, students had to go somewhere else to learn to swim. As a
result, I did not enrol to be one of the college swimmers. I finally completed my course
at Mahasarakham Physical Education College and obtained a higher certificate of
secondary education, and was also selected to further my study without having to take
any entrance exam.

In 1975 I went to study at Sri Nakharinwirot Physical Education University in
Bangkok while continuing to live at Bang Kruoy Educational Welfare School. My
parents wanted me to achieve the highest possible level of education as they could
afford. Despite the slim chance due to shortage of funds, my parents tried their best to
find the means to support me in my education. At that time I felt worried. I was afraid
that I would be unable to finish my study, not because it was hard, but because I was
nervous that it would become unaffordable by my parents as the expense had increased.
However, I just had to be studious and in the mean time postponed dealing with other
things. I did not mind going without food from time to time. It didn't matter if my
stomach was full or empty. I just had to put up with it. I lived on temple food from time
to time, especially when I returned from the university late at night, and there was
nothing to eat. My younger brother, who was staying at a temple, kept some food for
me. He was studying at a Technical College in Nonthaburi and was staying at Lum
Khongkharam Temple next to Bang Kruoy Educational Welfare School. Some of the
food was kept from morning to late evening so it went off. By the time I came back, it
was nine o'clock at night. I had to pick the food that could be eaten just to quell my
hunger. In the final year of my study, I moved to a rented house which I shared with my
elder sister who was studying at Suan Dusit Teachers College. My elder sister, three of
my younger siblings, and myself, were all studying. Our parents had a big burden to
support us. I decided to borrow money from Thai Kasikorn Bank educational loan, and
repaid it all after two years of working. While studying, I enrolled to become a
volleyball player and a hockey player. I would like to become a swimmer as well but had
no time to practise. I finally completed my course at Sri Nakarinwirot Physical
Education University and obtained a Bachelor of Education degree, major in Physical
Education, and minor in Health Education. I was very proud of myself. My father,
mother, relatives, and friends all congratulated me for my success. It was an exceptional
achievement at that time as it was rare for a boat person to achieve such a high level of
education. I myself never expected that I could reach this point since there were so

many obstacles along the way. That's why I was very proud of my success. It may also
be due to the following reasons.

1. I studied the subject I loved.

2. I paid attention to my study and was studious.

3. I put up with obstacles without complaining.

4. I was poor. This reason could not be overlooked. Being a poor student, I had to
take extra care of my spending. I had to be modest and knew my place when making
friends. I took care not to get into trouble as it could disrupt my study. I had to restrain
myself from temptations that could lead me astray. These may have caused problems.
Therefore, I had to be extremely patient and keep my mind in full control. I had to
endure hardship as well as restraining myself. There is a positive side to study when
one is in a state of scarcity. Scarcity helps to restrain one's mind from craving for
unnecessary things in life. If one has everything at one's disposal, being very
comfortable, one may lose oneself in the luxury of comfort. One's mind may be let
loose; it may "go astray". One may not have completed one's study. Come to
think of it, one feels thankful to poverty. It is one of many forces behind one's
achievement in education.

My father revealed to me that when sending money to me, he would sometimes
send it in two batches. For example, if it was 800 baht, he would send 500 first,
followed by 300 baht later. When I asked for money, he would sometimes tell me to
wait a minute saying that he would ask my mother to borrow it from our neighbours and
repaid them later. The reason he said this to me was to make me appreciate the value of
money so that I would not be extravagant, and be economical. My father used this
unique trick to teach his children to be economical.

In 1977, it was time to start work. I intended to teach in a physical education
college as it was my direct line of work. However, there were only seven physical
education colleges throughout the country at that time, unlike nowadays. I consulted
Mr. Paitoon Jaisin, a lecturer who taught me at Mahasarakham Physical Education
College, and Sri Nakarinwirot Physical Education University. He kindly advised me to
take an exam to become a teacher in civil service at Ang Thong Physical Education
College because it was not very far away.

On the day the results were announced at the Department of Physical Education, I
went there very early, even before the list of names was put up. It turned out that I came
first. As I was leaving the Department of Physical Education, I felt as if I was walking
on air. I didn't even realise when I reached the front gate. To be certain, I went back
three times to check the results. This was another achievement which I never imagined
would be possible.

I pictured myself in a uniform carrying out my duties as a teacher. It made
me feel so proud that I had finally found happiness in my life. I decided that from
now on I would carry out my duty to the best of my ability. I would listen to my
superiors, and would not argue. I would just work hard so that I could be
promoted to a higher position in the civil service. Once I had money, I would have
a house built for my father and mother. They would be able to leave their boat
and come to live peacefully in their old age. I would support my younger siblings
in their education. After that I would become ordained to be a monk, and later I
would get married and have a family of my own. My life would be happy ever
after. Those were my dreams at that time.

Mr. Thawee Saengma, Ms. Srimuang Srisuwan, Mr. Sakol Kamnoetsiri, and Mr.
Paitoon Jaisin, were the teachers I mentioned earlier. They all had been very kind to me
and I shall never forget. Today I still think of their kindness and the support they gave to
me.

(Picture on page 33.)

Graduation day at Suan Amporn Park

Teaching as a civil servant

at Ang Thong

Physical Education College

(Picture on page 35)

The first proper house of Ajahn Kampol and his family

The Accident

In the third year of my career as a civil servant, I was exactly 24 years old. My life
seemed to be going well the way I wanted it to be. My parents were making
preparations for me to become ordained as a monk. Invitation cards were sent to our
relatives. My parents warned me, 'Before becoming ordained as a monk, Thai men
usually experience Mara. 3 Do not go anywhere, or do anything wrong.
Concentrate on doing good things.' I was heedful and always kept their words in my
mind.

On 3 April 1979, only 20 days before I was due to be ordained, I was travelling
into Ang Thong town centre with my friend on his motorbike. I was the passenger
sitting behind him. Before emerging onto the main road, a big truck was cutting right in
front of us. I said to my friend that it was all right, that there would not be any
accident because we were careful. My friend who was riding the motorbike said safety
came first; or else we would be leading a life of sitting, lying, and eating. His words did
not make an impression on me at that moment because I was thinking to myself that we
would surely not end up like that. We went into Ang Thong town centre. While passing
Ang Thong Hospital, I saw a person in a wheelchair pushed by another person. I
thought to myself how this was referred to as a state of sitting, lying, and eating,
and that I would not end up like that because my life was going well. I forgot that
what I saw might have been a message from a divine messenger reminding me to live my
life heedfully.

I returned to the college that afternoon to teach volleyball. In the evening a friend
of mine asked whether I would like to go out with him so that we could enjoy ourselves
like other youngsters. I was thinking of my father's words of advice and thought this
could lead to all sorts of mischief, so I declined his offer. That evening I went out to
help my friend to teach swimming to twilight students instead. I was demonstrating how
to dive. The first and the second dives went well. But on the third occasion, it might
have been due to lacking awareness or not being careful enough, I made an error. I was
diving into the pool. When my head reached the surface of the water, instead of
pushing my head up so that my entire body would be parallel to the surface of the
water, my head went straight to the bottom of the pool and that was the cause of
this accident. My whole body suddenly went numb. I could not move but was still
conscious. I knew I was at the bottom of the pool. I was trying to get help from
students who were swimming nearby by blowing bubbles and widening my eyes to signal
I was in a big trouble and needed help, but was unsuccessful. At that time I was fully
conscious but did not know what had happened to me. I thought my life would probably
come to an end. I was thinking of my parents and how aggrieved they would become
had they learned that my life had ended like this. I began to use a tactic to prolong my
life, a technique employed by boatpeople when drowning or diving, that is to gradually
swallow water into the body until losing consciousness.

At that moment, a student was swimming by. His legs happened to touch my body
so he realised I was drowning and helped me out of the pool. I became conscious again,
feeling as if my body was pushed to the left and the right. I opened my eyes and saw a
big strong man in swimming trunks. I thought he was the God of Death. But when I
became conscious again, I learned that it was the student who had helped me out of the

3 In Buddhist Texts, 'Mara' often appears as the personification of the passions and unwholesome
states. The word also represents the totality of worldly existence and suffering, as well as death.
Mara symbolises the things which oppose enlightenment.

pool. I tried to utter a word but failed. He asked how I was. I just shook my head to
signal, "It's very bad." Many people thought I was pretending as there was no sign of
any wound on my body. After that I was taken to hospital.

Physical and Mental Suffering

After the accident, I went into Central Hospital, Bangkok, for treatment. I lost
sensation throughout the whole body. I was unable to move but was reasonably
conscious. Following a physical examination, the doctor at Central Hospital found
that my fifth neck bone was broken. This affected the central nervous system and
caused my whole body to be paralysed, and without sensation. I could only lie still,
and was immobile. The doctor was unable to cure me. I was to remain disabled
like this for the rest of my life. I went through an operation during which the doctor
took a piece of bone from my left pelvis to mend my broken neck bone. This seemed to
improve my condition a little. I was able to start moving both of my arms despite them
remaining very weak. My fingers were all useless. I went through physiotherapy to
enable me to use both arms more skilfully. I felt discouraged at the beginning because I
had no energy and did not feel like doing it. I was wondering when I would be able to
walk if the focus was only on my arms. I was unable to move either leg. What the
doctor could do was to just move them so that the joints did not get stuck. I was in
hospital for four months. I was able to start moving my right arm but the left one was
still weak. I was unable to control my bladder and bowel movements. The doctor was
of an opinion that I would not be normal again. There was nothing more they could do to
help me. I was discharged from the hospital to carry out physiotherapy at home by
myself.

During that period I always thought what had happened to me was unreal and just
a nightmare. It was just a dream and soon I would wake up and the nightmare would
disappear. I did not really believe that it was true. What I felt at that time was not clear;
it was dull and blurry as if I was semi-conscious. When I was sleeping, I usually
dreamed that I was going about doing things as normal without any problem. But
when I woke up, I found that I was disabled and immobile. I could not go
anywhere. I sometimes felt puzzled and wondered which part of my life was real.
Was it when I was sleeping or when I was awake? My life suddenly changed like
flipping one's hand, so I was unable to adjust myself. It took many months before I
could adjust myself to the whole situation.

The disability I am experiencing at present consists of weak arms, useless fingers,
useless legs. Also from the neck to the tip of my toes, there was little sensation and
sometimes no sensation at all, that is I won't feel any pain if someone stabs me with a
needle. My whole body is numb. I am unable to control my bladder or bowel
movements. I cannot do anything for myself. Most of my time is spent in bed.
Occasionally someone will carry me down and put me to sit up in a wheelchair. I cannot
sit for a long time because I will feel uncomfortable and cannot breathe properly.
Bedsores may develop around the area of my back and bottom due to lying in one
position too long.

After leaving Central Hospital, I went to stay temporarily at Ang Thong Physical
Education College because I did not have a house at that time. My parents earned their
living on a boat; they lived on the boat so I did not have a proper home. As I had
become disabled, my mother had to look after me, leaving my father to work on his own.
I count myself lucky to have my parents' support; otherwise, it would have been more
difficult and painful for me. I stayed at Ang Thong Physical Education College for less
than ten days. My mother could not stand seeing me in such a state so she made every
attempt to find good physicians and medication to cure me. She took me everywhere;
we tried many good physicians and types of medication. We would be staying at a
physician's house for a period of time, sometimes for as long as seven to eight months. I

was taken for treatments to many places, lots of money had been spent, but my condition
did not improve. During that period I had to resign from the civil service because I
could no longer carry out my duties. At that point, I thought, "having to resign from
work means I don't have a future any more."

Seeking Inner Refuge

I felt very regretful after having to resign from the civil service job. I always
pondered on my life from past to present, and found that at that moment I had a lot of
suffering. I felt lost and depressed, and kept asking myself why I was so unlucky. My
life had been going well so far and it was getting better. I completed my education and
had a secure job. Why everything had to fall apart and I became disabled who could not
take care of myself. Even relieving my bladder and bowels was out of my control and I
could not even bathe myself. I did not want to be in this state, having to sit in a
wheelchair, and being permanently bedridden. I didn't want this kind of life! ! !

I was very disappointed and didn't know what to do with myself. I experienced
suffering and pain both physically and psychologically. The truth is my body hurts and I
shall remain disabled for the rest of my life. I was so disappointed that my mind became
increasingly overwhelmed with scattering thoughts. And when I thought too much, I felt
like wanting to be a mad man, to become insane so that I could forget everything that
happened to me. At that time I felt lost and lonely as if I was born to live alone in the
world. No one else was like me. I wanted to find inner refuge. Outside I had things and
people I could turn to but I didn't have any refuge inside. Anyway I remained patient
and did not show any sign of distress outwardly.

I was used to freedom of using my organs or body that had been functioning
properly for twenty four years. I took them for granted, believing they actually belonged
to me. I thought they were permanent, and would not disintegrate that easily.
So when they became defective and did not function properly, I was regretful and upset.
I felt irritated and worried, thinking that I would no longer be able to do anything.
Everything was disintegrating and coming to an end. My confidence also deteriorated.
However, there was a thought of consolation telling me to be patient a little longer as my
life might not last that long, having such a defective body unlike others. The longest I
could live would be less than five years if there were no other complications to cut short
my life before then. Or I would definitely become neurotic because of my excessive
thoughts. It was the consolation that set the deadline for my life.

I made a compromise to myself that since I would have to continue living in
this state, I might as well make the best of it. I therefore asked myself how I could
make my life worthwhile and useful to myself and others, and how I could make
the best use of my disability. If I just let my life drift away without any meaning, I
would be in anguish and pain for the rest of my life. It became very crucial that I had to
do something. So far my life seemed to be of no substance. However, I could not figure
out what to do at that moment.

My parents and relatives had been supporting and encouraging me all along. I saw
this as a good and important environment as I was not put under pressure
psychologically. It's one of the reasons why my mental health has been fine until now. It
is a good example for people who have duties to look after patients. If carers are kind
and loving, patients' mental state will also be healthy.

Because of pain and suffering I experienced for which I had no way out, I fell into
despair and wished to have refuge that I could internally turn to. My parents and
relatives are outside factors I can depend on, but I wanted to find a way to end the
suffering myself. As it turned out, suffering has helped to instil my faith in Buddhism. I
therefore would like to advise people who find themselves with problems and suffering
with no way out, not to rush into any decision. They should consult their good friends
so a solution or a way to end such problems or suffering can be pointed out.

Disappointment
Lack of confidence

I was used to freedom of using my organs

or body that had been functioning properly

for twenty four years.

I took them for granted,

believing they actually belonged to me.

I thought they were permanent,

and would not disintegrate that easily.

So when they became defective

and did not function properly,

I was regretful and upset.

I felt irritated and worried,

thinking that I would no longer be able to do anything.

Everything was disintegrating and coming to an end.

My confidence also deteriorated.

Finding

A path to be free from suffering

Mother is my first teacher of Kammathan.

She made me realise that

as I intended to be ordained as a novice or a monk

but missed the opportunity,

I might as well turn to the study of the Dhamma

by reading books, or listening to tapes provided by my father.

This will be of benefit to me before I die,

in case some merits and good deeds will be with me after death.

It will be better than letting my mind wander

aimlessly without any meaning,

which is a waste of time.

So I tried to concentrate my mind

and focus on matters of Dhamma only.

Dhamma Practice
Searching ....

To develop self-awareness through physical movements.

It is a short cut practice,

with no rituals involved,

and you need not shut your eyes.

The focus is on total awareness of your bodily movements.

Thoughts are to be observed,

not suppressed nor indulged in.

He usually challenged us to practise,

saying that if we followed his advice,

our suffering would diminish.

Obstacles ...
To overcome ,,,

Thoughts wandering into the past and the future

are like the same old visitors

that usually come along to deceive our mind.

If we are not up to their games,

they will come very often.

In the past, we were led astray by them.

They always came in to invite us to conspire with them.

They tried to distract our mind to take a journey with them.

Whenever we followed them,

our mind struggled,

it became worn out, restless, and unbalanced.

Thoughts in our mind give rise

to birth and existence of whatever we're thinking.

Beginning of Dhamma Study

During that time, my parents experienced suffering as much as I did. They pinned
their hope on me and I disappointed them. Every child's father and mother normally
want to see their child having a bright future and a good life. I turned out to be the
opposite to what they wished for. That's why they suffered so much pain; they were also
seeking a way to free themselves from suffering. My father was looking for a means to
end suffering by going to various temples and monasteries where the Dhamma and
meditation sessions were being taught. Each time he came back from these sessions, he
would bring to us Dhamma books and tapes or tell us the method of mental training at
the place he had been to. He never failed to do so every time he came back from those
temples or monasteries.

At the beginning I was not very interested in the Dhamma but my mother who
already had faith in this matter was very keen. Before this my mother usually advised me
to think of the Buddha's virtue and to mentally recite, "Bud" when breathing in, and
"Tho" when breathing out. She said this would help me recover from illness. She also
chanted and prayed loving kindness for me every day. Mother is my first teacher of
Kammathan 4 . She made me realise that as I intended to be ordained as a novice or a
monk but missed the opportunity, I might as well turn to the study of the Dhamma by
reading books, or listening to tapes provided by my father. This will be of benefit to me
before I die, in case some merits and good deeds will be with me after death. It will be
better than letting my mind wander aimlessly without any meaning, which is a waste of
time. So I tried to concentrate my mind and focus on matters of the Dhamma 5 only.

From then on I started reading and listening to the Dhamma every day. As days
went by I became absorbed and found pleasure in the Dhamma and this temporarily
helped me forget my pain and suffering. At the time of reading or listening to the
Dhamma, I felt better, and experienced lots of good feelings inside. The mind became
kinder and more charitable and I started to enjoy the Dhamma. I would pay special
attention to any conversation concerning the Dhamma. Reading Dhamma books is in a
way good for us. We have been reading text books or newspapers and this sometimes
brings us a headache, dizziness, or stress. Reading about and learning the Dhamma is the
opposite. It frees our minds from all stress and worries. The Dhamma is all about our
real life, about ourselves. Through the Dhamma we learn about suffering,
unsatisfactoriness, the path leading to the cessation of suffering, and the cessation of
suffering. We begin to understand the teaching of the Buddha. However, at that time I
did not think of practising meditation because I mistakenly believed that a disabled
person like me would not be able to do any mental training as I spent most of my
time in bed. I could neither sit nor walk meditation. So I thought it was
impossible for me to practise.

Having said that I did try practising to a certain extent but not seriously since there
was no teacher to guide me. I adopted the 'Buddho' method and practised in the
reclining posture with my eyes closed. Breathing in with "Bud" and breathing out with
"Tho" did calm my mind after a while. But once my mind was calm, I fell asleep.
Suffering disappeared while I was asleep, but when I woke up, I still suffered just like
before. This is because disability is still with me, and there is still the "I" who assumes

4 'Kammathan' means 'stations of mental exercises' to develop tranquillity and insight

5 The 'Dhamma' is the Buddha's teaching. It can also refers to nature, the law of nature, the duty
that must be performed according to that law of nature, and the fruits or benefits that arise from
the performance of that duty.

the role as a disabled person. My mind still wandered and was unhappy. And whenever
I did 'Buddho' meditation, I fell asleep. I even wondered whether Kammathan was
designed to make people fall asleep; or whether we can free ourselves from suffering
only when we slept. But that's not the case. When I became irritated, worried, and got
very stressful, I tried to induce my mind to be calm and concentrated, by chanting
Buddho with every inhalation and exhalation, but my mind refused to calm down.
Sometimes I became discouraged and fed up with the practice because I did not learn
anything. I felt it's better to read books; at least I learned something about the Dhamma.

Not that Buddho meditation practice is no good. It's more to do with the state of
my physical condition and posture, which is not suitable for this kind of method. Or one
can say that it does not suit my temperament. In doing mental training, one needs a good
and peaceful environment as well as good friends, such as teachers, who can give advice
on how to do it properly so that one will not get lost or go astray. So what I could do at
the time was just to continue reading and listening to the Dhamma.

While concentrating on reading, listening to, and contemplating the Dhamma, I
sometimes felt as if I had attained Nirvana or enlightenment, and was liberated from
suffering. At that particular moment, my mind was completely free from suffering.
What I experienced was joy and happiness. I always reflected on my favourite subjects
of the Dhamma, and even put it down in my notebook, which was the reason for me to
start learning to write again. If one could attain enlightenment and free oneself from
suffering merely by reading, listening to, and contemplating the Dhamma, without
actually having to do any mental training according to the Lord Buddha's
teaching, I would have already attained Nirvana, and ended my suffering a long
time ago. But as it was, my mind still wandered when I was not reading or
listening to the Dhamma. The 'I', as a disabled person, was still there, and
remained 'a sufferer'. This happens because one has never actually been
reflectively aware of the suffering within oneself despite the desire to get away from
it. It is like a person wishing to run away from a snake, but does not even know its
nature or appearance. He may run away only to tread on it and be bitten by it.
The Buddha said, "One should be reflectively aware of suffering". I wanted to
practise meditation, but did not yet know how to start.

The Cessation of Suffering through the Practice of Dhamma

After that I began to look at myself again and found that my mind was still full of
suffering and anxiety. Despite having read and listened to the Dhamma to a great extent,
my mind was not completely free from suffering. It had been sixteen years since my
father kept on piling Dhamma books and tapes on me until our bookshelves were full.
And it wouldn't be long before the whole house was full with no space to sleep.
However, the suffering in my mind remained. It could have been because I did not do
any practise. In the books, it is always advised that we train our mind to develop
insight within ourselves. It's not good enough just to read and listen to the
Dhamma. We have to start practising. It's the same as looking at a map inside the
house without starting our journey. We will end up going round in circles inside
the house without reaching any destination. This reflection inspired me to start doing
mental cultivation practice, but I did not know how to begin. Despite having some
understanding from the study of the Dhamma, I had little self-confidence to practise. At
that moment, I wished I had a good friend, a teacher, who could give me advice. I
would have liked to have come across a Kammathan practitioner and also to have
become one myself. I thought this could only be a wish as it would have been impossible
for a person in my condition to practise meditation. I was disabled and could not move
as freely as other people so I thought I would probably just end up staying in the house.

Luang Por 6 Khamkhian Suwanno
(My Teacher)

Around 1982, my father went to Sanam Nai Monastery to practise dynamic
meditation with Luang Por Teean Chittasupho, and brought back to me books and tapes
about the method of practice under Luang Por Teean Cittasubho. Luang Por Teean' s
line of practice is to develop self-awareness through physical movements. It is a
short cut practice, with no rituals involved, and you need not shut your eyes. The
focus is on total awareness of your bodily movements. Thoughts are to be observed,
not suppressed nor indulged in. He usually challenged us to practise, saying that if
we followed his advice, our suffering would diminish. I was keen to try out this
practice as it can be done even when one is in a lying posture. One just has to be aware
of one's thoughts which could be done while lying down. Walking and sitting meditation
is not necessary. So I tried practising while lying down. To achieve the result as quickly
as possible, I began concentrating on observing thoughts straight away.

But I did not have any basis on which to practise properly. Neither did I have
enough clear comprehension, so I made mistakes from the beginning. Instead of
observing thoughts, I ended up indulging in them and got totally lost in those thoughts all
day long. I was not aware of anything. It was because my approach was not correct. I
could see then that it would be impossible for me to achieve anything if I carried on
without any teacher. But who would be able to help me?

By 1985, my father became too old to work on the boat by himself. He decided to
sell the boat and used the proceeds to build a house. He also turned to work in
agriculture at Tambon Yang Khao, Phayuha Khiri District, Nakhon Sawan Province.
These changes were brought about because my father did not have anyone to help him to
work on the boat and also he wanted to be closer to his family. At that time he became a
member of the Dhamma Study and Practice Group led by Mr. Wuthichai
Thaweesaksiripol. Ms. Monvipa Kiatloertdham was doing administration work for the
Group at that time. I took the opportunity to write to Ms. Monvipa about the Dhamma
books and tapes of Luang Por Teean Cittasubho and Luang Por Khamkhian Suwanno
for me to study in support of my practice to develop awareness at home. Ms. Monvipa
kindly gave me the advice, and encouraged me in my practice at home. At the end of the
letter, she added that if I had any questions, I could write to Luang Por Khamkhian
Suwanno, Wat Phukhao Thong, Tambon Ta Mafaiwan, Kaeng Khro District,
Chaiyaphum Province. I regarded Ms. Monvipa Kiatloertdham as the person who
introduced me to Luang Por Khamkhian, consequently introducing a teacher to me so
that I had someone to give me guidance.

I read about Luang Por Khamkhian Suwanno before. He is a kind senior monk
who loves children and nature, especially trees. His approach to the practice of Dhamma
is to focus on developing awareness until it becomes part of you. He does not encourage
a lot of discussion. His advice and techniques in developing awareness are mainly from
his own practice experience, not from books. Luang Por prefers to give examples by
action. This and his equanimity made me really interested.

At the end of July, 1995, 1 wrote to Luang Por Khamkhian asking to become one
of his disciples, and also for some advice on practice for disabled people who spent most
of their time in the reclining pose. I did not expect that Luang Por would reply to my

6 "Luang Por" literally means "Venerable Father", the title normally addressed to elderly monks
who are highly revered by people in Thailand.

letter. About twelve days later, I received a reply from him. He kindly answered my
question, the content of which can be summarised as follows.

Luang Por is happy to be a good friend and teacher to me. He will not mislead me
in my practice. He introduces a method of Kammathan, training of the mind by being
aware of one's existence in the present moment. It is possible to train one's mind even
when one is lying down. This can be done by being aware of one's bodily movements,
such as hands turning over, etc. When unintentional thoughts arise, do not pay attention
to them; come back to the body, focus one's mind on the body. Being diligent to
develop reflective awareness is called "Bhavana 7 ". To develop Bhavana is to observe
and to be aware of oneself as often as possible; it isn't just trying to calm the mind.
It is to be aware of oneself constantly in the present moment. This is
"Kammathan" or training of the mind. When one becomes increasingly aware of
oneself in the present moment, delusion and misconception will diminish or
disappear. Then one can investigate the truth. One will be aware of and perceive
clearly the material and mental elements of one's existence 8 . Whatever is observed
is to be left alone. One remains only in the state of pure observation, not as a
participant. Just observe and do not identify oneself with that which is being
observed. When anything arises in connection with one's body and mind, stand
back and observe until one sees it through. If happiness arises, leave it alone.
Simply acknowledge that there is happiness arising in the mind but do not identify
with it. On the other hand, when unsatisfactoriness or suffering arises, simply
observe and be aware of it, but do not identify with it or become the sufferer.
Observe and be aware of any feeling of boredom, frustration, or irritation, and see
it as a state of the mind. Do not become anything. Just keep on practising. In the
letter, Luang Por also encouraged me in my endeavour. His letter was like a blessing
from the Buddha. I began to feel hopeful. At last I had a teacher.

I saw this as a good sign for me at that time. My behaviour started to change. It
marked the beginning of my new life. Normally, I spent my time each day thinking of the
past and the future. I was travelling on a dark painful path of suffering. But Luang Por
came along and changed my behaviour. He helped me to live in the present
moment, to concentrate on my bodily movements and the thinking of the mind.
This is the mental training in which one simply observes and is aware of oneself in
the present moment. It is the path leading to the cessation of suffering. It is a
bright path. Beginning this was a pivotal moment in my life. Luang Por introduced
me to walk on a bright path so I became very confident. Before this I thought it was
impossible. But later, my attitude changed to "I can do it. I can do it." When I felt that
I could do it, it became possible. I felt encouraged and the confidence I once lost had
returned. I now believe in the cessation of suffering. I am convinced that there is a
possibility for me to be free from suffering. I believe in this approach. I am convinced
that if I train my mind accordingly, I will definitely have a chance to end my suffering.
This approach is correct in accordance with the Four Foundations of Mindfulness I
learned about. I also have trust in my teacher; I trust that he will not lead me astray.

7 "Bhavana" in Buddhist term means "growth; cultivation; training; development of wisdom".

8 In Buddhist terms, the 'mental and material elements of one's existence' are defined as the "Five
Aggregates". They consist: 1. Corporeality - one's body; more specifically the four primary
elements: earth, water, fire and wind, 2. Feeling, 3. Perception, 4. Mental formations, and 5.
Consciousness. Corporeality comprises the material group of existence whereas the remaining
four groups are mental.

Initial Phase of Kammathan Practice

I came across a lot of obstacles during my initial attempt to develop self-awareness
at home. I had to really focus my mind on the practice, which is to go against the flow
of one's thoughts. One's mind has a tendency to get stuck in the groove of old patterns
or habits. I had to find a way to become aware of my physical movements in the present
moment, and to be aware of the body for as long as possible. I had to force myself a lot
to do this. There were also many emotions troubling my mind. Sometimes I had to
ignore them. I chose to practise in a quiet moment, to find a peaceful corner for myself.
Any conversation, sounds from radio, television, or any bustling going on nearby usually
disturbed my concentration. There were three people in the house; my father, my
mother, and myself. Around 8 o'clock after breakfast, my parents would go to work in
the garden and I would be left alone in the house. I would start doing my mental work
developing my awareness. I was in the room with the clock ticking to a rhythm of each
turning over of my hand to develop awareness. The ticking sound of the clock was
useful to the developing of awareness. While developing awareness by moving hand
together with the ticking sound of the clock, if I became unaware or absent-minded or
indulging myself in emotions and not being in the present moment, the ticking sound of
the clock would bring back my mind from distractions, to be grounded on Kammathan
practice.

I started my practice while lying on my back, concentrating on being aware
of each turning of the hand. I first started with my right hand only; my left hand
was not strong so I could not control it properly. But after practising for a long
time with the right hand, it became tired and weak because it had been used for
too long. I had to persevere until I got used to this, consequently the right hand
became stronger. By the time I went to bed, my right hand was very painful.
Sometimes I didn't know where to put the hand, and so kept it standing on its edge
until I fell asleep. Initially there were lots of thoughts with little awareness. I had
some joy, and sometimes compared my experiences with the text. Sometimes my
mind struggled to get rid of suffering as quickly as possible. Those were thoughts
that distracted my mind from the present moment. They dragged me away from
the foundations of awareness and wasted a lot of my time. That was my initial
phase of the training of my mind. I repeatedly failed but got up to start it all over
again.

Despite the way it was going, I did not feel discouraged. I could not afford to be
discouraged; otherwise, I would go back to the same old misery. So I continued
practising against all the odds, against all the failures to establish mindfulness. In the first
seven days, I didn't seem to achieve anything other than to experience thoughts
overwhelming awareness.

I started it again later on. But this time I reviewed Luang Por's approach of mind
training before the practice. Luang Por told us to observe our physical movements
only, but so far I had been carried away with thoughts and did not focus on the
body. I failed to adhere to the principle of observing the body. Kammathan was
therefore not Kammathan. So I made up my mind to start again. This time I
would not pay any attention to thoughts. Whatever the text or the teacher said, I
would leave it alone for the moment. I would not bring along the text to my
practice. The bodily movements would become my only main focus of awareness.
Thoughts would be ignored. Some physical pains, boredom, sleepiness, doubts, and all
other petty thoughts did arise but I had already made up my mind that once they arose,
they would be discarded. Grasping them is not the path to the cessation of suffering. I

would not walk on that path, and would not place value on any of them. Once we stop
placing value on them, when they arise, they become nothing to us. We will aim directly
to being mindful of our physical movements. This is our way. I would focus only on this
without paying attention to other things. I would overlook them first and would just
follow Luang Por's advice.

Once awareness becomes established with the movements of the body, they
become connected and are always together. The more awareness there is, the less
thoughts there are. Observation of bodily movements becomes distinctly clear. This is
not a visual observation but an observation of the mind by actually being aware of
one's physical movements. When one becomes deeply aware or mindful of one's
physical movements, such awareness becomes heightened. The "Knowing" inside
has been established. I experienced this and so was living in the present moment.
I knew then how to practise Kammathan and have enjoyed developing
mindfulness ever since.

I enjoyed each passing day developing my awareness. At the beginning, I only
used my right hand so it became tired and weak. Later I tried using my left hand but
struggled at first because it was not strong. But once I began using it, it became
stronger. I practically developed awareness as well as doing physiology at the same
time. My body and mind were trained simultaneously. I tried to think of new postures
so that I could practise for longer without getting bored. Any part of the body which
was not disabled, hardly disabled, or moveable to some extent, became my tool for
developing awareness. Sometimes, I became weary after a long period of practice, so I
would turn to small physical movements. They would be done lightly, being mainly on
my face, as it was better than any other part. I would do things like turning my face,
tilting my head to left and right, raising my eyebrows, twitching my nose, my mouth, or
my ears.

I developed quite a lot of awareness each day by using these small gestures
because disabled people are very restricted in their physical movements. When
sleepiness, thoughts, or strong emotions came in and affected the mind, my strategy was
to move parts of my body faster and more forcefully to keep my mind alert. Sometimes I
intentionally made a movement to wake myself up and heighten my awareness. I kept on
developing mindfulness to make it become established in the body, enabling it to follow
one's body as the first foundation. I tried focusing on this point first without paying any
attention to thoughts or feelings. But if thoughts or feelings arose, I would be aware of
them. If correction or involvement was required, for example with physical pain, this
would be done with awareness, then I would quickly return to being mindful of the body.
It doesn't matter if one has not yet learned anything. Just being aware to establish a firm
foundation first.

Sometimes a peaceful feeling arose and one became so peaceful that one became
attached to it and enjoyed it. The mind was so peaceful that it did not want to know
anything else. At that moment, awareness disappeared, it was not with the body; it
deserted the body to be with tranquillity. The body also stopped moving because it fell
into the spell of calmness. When I became aware of this, I quickly returned to
concentrating my mind on the body. I carried out the practice like this every day.

I lived my life in the present moment without thinking of the past or the
future. My mind became happier. I enjoyed developing awareness. It is better
than reading and listening to the Dhamma because one's mind actually experiences
reality and real Dhamma. It is like the word "Sanditthiko" in the Virtues of the
Dhamma chanting, which means Dhamma "shall be seen by the wise for
themselves"

Inner Change

During my practice, I sometimes had doubts and wanted to write to ask Luang
Por. But then I thought it would take many days before I received a reply from him. I
decided not to write. After keeping on practising, I sometimes got the answer myself. I
had been developing awareness for about one month, when one day something changed
inside. I was developing awareness until it became so forceful that it got deeply
established in the body. It became integral to and moved along in unity with the body.
This caused fatigue and pressure around my head. I experienced this symptom for quite
some time. My practice of Kammathan was not as comfortable as it used to be. I
therefore started again by keeping my awareness firmly fixed at one point without
following the bodily movements. I just remained with awareness at that one point, and
began to feel as if my mind was detaching itself or stepping back to observe my physical
movements. I realised then that the mind or awareness is actually the same entity. Its
duty is to acknowledge or to be conscious of objects. The body is the moving part and is
driven by the mind. I saw that the body and the mind are separate entities. The body is
the body and the mind is the mind. They have different functions. I also saw that
disability is integral to the body. At this point, I saw that disability is actually part of the
body and the mind is just simply conscious of it. This realisation instantly made me feel
liberated and light. It was as if I had found a new place of my own, not in the disabled
body any more. I had pulled myself away, I had detached myself from it, I was at one
with awareness, simply observing the body. A comparison can be made to a situation
when I was once trying to open a tiger balm box but failed. But then one day I was able
to hold it properly and successfully took it apart into two parts. This is the same. The
truth is when one's awareness becomes increasingly established, one will gain insight into
the nature and characteristics of the body and the mind. One will be able to perceive
clearly that they are not a single entity and that they perform different functions.

At this stage, it was necessary to write to ask Luang Por again because I needed a
teacher to guide me. It was a crucial moment as I could either go the right way or the
wrong way. I wrote to Luang Por describing what happened in my practice. I asked
whether I was doing the right thing at this stage, and what next step I should be doing.
Luang Por kindly wrote back that I was doing things correctly. The next step was for
me to observe rupa-nama (body- mind), and suffering and disease borne out of them. I
was advised to just observe their conditions or symptoms. Luang Por emphasised, "Just
keep on making pure observation. Don't dwell on them or identify with them". You will
increasingly gain wisdom. However, Luang Por had been abroad so it took a long time
before this letter came to me.

I continued developing awareness through physical movements. There were still
some thoughts arising with awareness like waves troubling the mind. These were usually
reasoning thoughts, trying to explain the phenomena borne out of the practice. As a
matter of fact, awareness, thoughts, and mind are abstract entities, whereas the moving
body is concrete. I was unable to observe thoughts arising that clearly. Whatever kind
of thought will defile the mind, preventing it from being pure. I therefore wanted to
separate thoughts from the mind so that only the pure mind remained. Before starting, I
decided to keep my awareness in the middle while directing my attention to my right
hand moving and turning. The body was used as the base to be aware of when there
were no thoughts arising. When any kind of thoughts arose, good, bad, happy, or
unhappy, the attention would be directed to the left hand side. Each time any thought
arose, it was observed and let go of, then the attention returned to the body on the right
hand side while being aware in the middle. I wanted my awareness to be firmly

established so that my mind would not attach to the body or get lost in thoughts. At the
beginning there were no thoughts as they were carefully monitored and so suppressed.
And when the attention was too focused on the body, any thought arising escaped from
my observation. The thoughts were very fast. Sometimes I forgot to be aware of the
body, and got lost in thoughts. But when I became aware, thoughts would automatically
be let go of and the attention returned to the body. I carried on doing this until at last
my awareness became increasingly sharp. I became distinctly aware of the body and
thoughts, especially thoughts. Awareness became the master. Even with a small
physical movement, thoughts would automatically vanish and the attention instantly
returned to the body. I practised like this until I became skilful; my mind was sharper,
more alert and simply aware. At this point, I realised that I was walking on the
middle path; a non-dualistic path. The path where the mind does not dwell in the
moving body or get lost in happy, satisfactory, or unhappy, unsatisfactory
thoughts. It is in the state of normality. I realised I had found the way to lead me
out of suffering. I only have to be fully aware of any phenomenon without
judgement, that's all. It's here. It's the safe position, the basis of one's life. The
reins of Dhamma controlling one's life are right here. At last I have found my
inner refuge. I became highly appreciative of the advantage of awareness. I
thought if I persevered in developing my awareness, it would become increasingly
established, and would definitely be like a vehicle taking me out of suffering.

A comparison can be made to a person who has been trapped in a dark cave
for a long time and is looking for a way to get out of the cave but cannot find it.
He happens to glimpse a ray of light shining into the cave in the distance. He
instantly realises that this must surely be the way to get out of the cave. He
therefore tries hard to get out of the cave as quickly as possible.

I placed value on awareness much more than anything, so I thought of leaving
home to practise in a quiet and peaceful place. I wanted to be close to teachers, so that I
could achieve the result as soon as possible. Had a disabled person been permitted to be
ordained as a monk, I would have done so long time ago. I always thought like that
because I had found my way out. I found the way to escape from suffering, and started
to see the essence of life. My behaviour also began to change. I carried on developing
awareness, observing bodily movements, and following the same basis. But this
time I was diligent in my practice. I tried to be continuously aware in whatever
activity or situation. I would keep on doing this all day long, except when I slept.
The exercise became harder for me because I practised at home. But however
difficult it was, I had to do it because the stake was high. I could be free from
suffering.

The practice started from when I first opened my eyes at four o'clock in the
morning. I instantly became aware of myself and intentionally focused my attention to be
aware of all my actions all day long. Sometimes I forgot but then tried to become aware
of the body or the mind again. This usually happened especially when I was talking so I
did not want to talk to anyone as it distracted me from the present moment. However, I
usually talked to myself, reminding myself to be aware. My daily practice involved
turning myself over, folding my blanket, cleaning my teeth, drinking water, eating,
cleaning myself, relieving my bladder and bowels, pushing my wheelchair, etc. I tried to
be continuously aware in whatever activity I found myself. I realise that true wisdom
can be gained only when we are continuously mindful of every action we carry out.
This wisdom comes from mind training and the development of awareness, not
from reasoning or logical thinking.

I would be practising like this until about nine o'clock at night. Then I slept. But I
would not sleep during the day time. I stopped paying attention to things outside. I

stopped watching television or listening to radio. If I listened to the radio, it would only
be about the Dhamma. I did not read any books other than Dhamma books. And I
occasionally listened to the Dhamma as it kept me good company at the time when I was
far away from the teacher. It also brought me a change of atmosphere. I talked only as
necessary and did not indulge myself in talking about foolish things because they would
lead my mind astray. I no longer amused myself with nonsensical things, such as taking
pleasure in forms, sounds, smells, tastes, contacts, and thinking because they would lead
me out of the path, delay me, and waste my time. I had been persevering to develop
and increase my awareness. If I indulged myself in these things, it would be as if I
had allowed thieves to come in to rob my awareness. I had to keep reminding
myself of this. Whatever happened, inside or outside, I would try to bring myself
back to awareness, to come to this point.

Observing Body and Mental Activity

I practised with the greatest care every day to accumulate and increase awareness.
I became mentally alert and sharply aware of objects in contact without being distracted
by them. The mind became neutral and particularly aware of the state of the body and
mental activity. When I focused my attention to observe the body and the mind, I could
see phenomena arising from them clearly. The state of the body: for example physical
pain, is not the body. However, it is borne out of and separate from the body. It is the
"state or condition" inherently hidden in one's body. Since I was born until I am now
in my forties, throughout those long years I have depended on this body but never
seriously observed it. Once I began to focus my attention on it, what I saw was
only suffering and unsatisfactoriness. The body is full of disease, unpleasant and
unsightly matter. The nature of the body, in my view, is a process of relieving
suffering and discomfort from birth till death. Suffering exerting on us has to be
continuously relieved. What we can do is to relieve it as it arises, with a balanced
mind that does not suffer with the body. In a situation when one is unable to relieve
physical suffering or discomfort, one should simply be aware of it. A disabled person
like me, in particular, has a lot of physical pains to observe. This is because one's
positions, sitting, standing, lying, etc., are not in balance. Consequently, one ends up as
if having a double pain.

Doctors and nurses advised me not to he on my back too long as I might develop
bed sores on my back and bottom. I was told to change the position from lying on my
back to lying on my side, and vice versa. That's all I can do. I can neither sit properly
nor unaided. I can only sit on a wheelchair designed for disabled people only. Having
restricted positions, I was able to perceive clearly the pain and suffering being
played up by the body. This was particularly evident when I was unable to relieve pain
and suffering by myself and had to wait for others to help me. On such occasions,
suffering could be seen very clearly. As I developed awareness by moving a part of my
body while remaining in a particular position for some time also caused physical pain.
Tiredness and weakness arose while in that particular position, so I had to change to a
new position to relieve that suffering. Changing positions to relieve physical pain and
suffering has to be done continually until we die.

It is evident that the body regularly displays its nature of impermanence, suffering,
and not-self, and that it is not under anyone's control. When we first get up, we have to
start relieving our body from discomforts. We have to drink water, wash our face, clean
our teeth, eat, go to the toilet, have a shower, and keep changing our positions. We
have to keep on doing all these until it's time to go to bed. We cannot afford not to do
it. We have to relieve these sufferings exerted on us. Sometimes we are unable to
relieve them ourselves, so we rely on others to help us. My body is particularly
defective. The nerve cells receiving sensations were so severely damaged that my whole
body lost the sensation and became paralysed. The doctor is unable to help me. This
kind of suffering cannot be relieved. I can only be aware of it. There is no need to
relieve it because it is impossible. Also because of limited physical movements; hence
lack of exercise, other complications set in, such as stomach ulcers, digestive problems,
circulation problems, respiratory disorders, etc.

Once we realise the true nature of the body, we will see that it is full of the three
common characteristics, i.e. impermanence, suffering or unsatisfactoriness, and not-self.
The body does not last forever; it will soon deteriorate and fall apart. We don't want our
body to be like that but it does not listen to anyone. It only follows the law of nature. I
have observed physical pains and diseases playing up so very often, and having lived with

it all the time, I gained wisdom and insight into the nature of the body. Because of its
evident defect and incapacity, I became so increasingly fed up with this body that I didn't
want to be in it or attached to it. I consequently detached myself and became one with
awareness, observing physical conditions without attaching to any of them. I became the
one who sees a disabled body without becoming a disabled person. However, I remained
dutiful in looking after my body as well as I could. I was finally safe and free from
getting caught up in the state of the body. This is my way out. It is the middle path on
which I become established with awareness.

There were also a lot of mental activities, deeper and more subtle than physical
conditions. However, being self-aware helps one gain insight into the mental state of
happiness, unhappiness, doubts, drowsiness and thinking. Mental activity is not the
mind, it is merely a condition borne out of the mind itself. If we are not up to its game,
we will be easily dragged into and get caught in it. Thoughts, especially unintentional or
uninvited thoughts, are the number one enemy of practitioners who try to develop self-
awareness. Thoughts wandering into the past and the future are like the same old
visitors that usually come along to deceive our mind. If we are not up to their games,
they will come very often. In the past, we were led astray by them. They always came in
to invite us to conspire with them. They tried to distract our mind to take a journey with
them. Whenever we followed them, our mind struggled, it became worn out, restless,
and unbalanced. Thoughts in our mind give rise to birth and existence of whatever we're
thinking. This is true especially to a disabled person who is bed-ridden but whose mind
still functions. He will be lying there thinking, regretting about the past and worrying
about the future. Sometimes he may think too much that he has a headache. He cannot
sleep and almost becomes neurotic because of worries. I had suffered because of these
thoughts for a long time. Only when I started to develop awareness, and actually
experience its benefits, did my awareness become increasingly established and sharp.
Living in the present moment enabled me to see suffering, and the danger of
unintentional or uninvited thoughts.

We don't have to do anything with these uninvited thoughts. Just observe and let
them go, as they are the cause of suffering. I have learned my lesson. Now I know that
the only thing I have to do is to be continuously mindful and keep watch of my thoughts.
I must try to be up to their games. During my practice, while focusing on the body,
unintentional thoughts usually appear out of the blue. However, I place no value on
them and pay them no attention. I just observe and let them go, and then return to my
bodily movements. Those thoughts then vanish. Thoughts are also impermanent and
unsatisfactory because they can neither exist forever nor are they under anyone's control.
Being aware makes one realise that these thoughts are not-self. They are illusions; they
are mere mental concoctions that naturally arise from time to time. As a result, the mind
is not deluded to become the thinker, and has established itself firmly with awareness to
observe without placing any value or paying any attention to those thoughts. Those
thoughts then became of no value and not worth adhering to. I gained so many
experiences from seeing these mental concoctions that I did not indulge in them. I just
let them go and came back to awareness, the safe haven of the mind. This is the middle
path where the mind exists to observe physical movements. It is the fundamental basis to
which I shall adhere. The body is the base from which mental activities are to be left
alone and so the mind is free from them. I became experienced in the practice and my
awareness became sharper and increasingly established.

(Photographs - between pages 80-81)

The Discovery
To Wisdom

This realisation instantly

made me feel liberated and light.

It was as if I had found a new place of my own,

Not in the disabled body any more.

I had pulled myself away

and detached myself from it,

to be one with awareness,

to simply observe it.

A comparison can be made to a situation

When I was once trying to open a tiger balm box but failed.

But then one day I was able to hold it properly

and successfully took it apart into two parts.

This is the same.

The truth is when one's awareness

becomes increasingly established,

One will gain insight into

the nature and characteristics of the body and the mind.

One will be able to perceive clearly that

they are not a single entity and that

they perform different functions.

A New Life

I lived my life in the present moment

Without thinking of the past or the future.

My mind became happier.

I enjoyed developing awareness.

It is better than reading

And listening to the Dhamma

Because one's mind actually experiences

Reality and real Dhamma.

It is like the word "Sanditthiko"

in the Virtues of the Dhamma chanting,

which means that the Dhamma

shall be seen for oneself by the practitioner.

Keep on

Developing Awareness

I carried on developing awareness,

observing bodily movements,

and following the same basis.

But this time, I was diligent in my practice.

I tried to be continuously aware

in whatever activity or situation.

I would keep on doing this all day long,

except when I slept.

The exercise became harder for me

because I practised at home.

But however difficult it was,

I had to do it

because the stake was high.

I could be free from suffering.

Free from
Disability

I have observed physical pains

and diseases playing up so very often,

and having lived with it all the time,

I gained wisdom and insight

into the nature of my body.

Because of its evident defect and incapacity,

I became so increasingly fed up with this body

that I didn't want to be in it or attached to it.

I consequently stood back

and became one with awareness,

observing physical conditions

without attaching to any of them.

I became the one who sees a disabled body

without becoming a disabled person.

A Sufferer Who Becomes One Who Makes Pure Observation on Suffering

When one becomes experienced in being aware of bodily and mental activities,
one's awareness increases and is heightened. Awareness becomes the master, superior
to those activities or conditions. The mind remains neutral when seeing them. They no
longer pose any problem or burden the mind. It's as if the mind and these conditions
become used to and connected to each other but remain apart. These conditions arise
naturally; it's the way they do. One's duty is to observe them. Each carries out its own
duty without interfering with one another. Unlike when I first practised, my awareness
was not sharp. I was neither skilful nor experienced in my practice. I had to be careful,
avoiding, or making corrections according to each situation. Now I became more
sharply aware and experienced, and there was no need for that. What I had to do was to
just be mindful of anything arising from the body, the mind, or contacts through ears,
eyes, nose, tongue, etc., then it would be instantly observed and let go of. Observation
was made at ease, with one's mind being neutral and independent from those
objects in contact as if they were outside and could not reach the mind. The mind
was also centred, still, and calm while observation was taking place from my inner
refuge, a new home of my life. Developing awareness as much and as often as possible
until one becomes skilful is like building and adding an extension to one's house. It
becomes bigger and wider with much more space to sit and he down in. It becomes our
inner refuge, our inexhaustible noble treasure. A comparison can be made to the
bearing of an engine, which consists of outer and inner rings. We get hold of the
inner ring and let the outer ring rotate. The inner ring remains static and does not
follow the outer ring. This reminded me of Luang Por Khamkhian's words, "Just
make pure observation without becoming anything.". It made me feel secure and
confident that I was on the right track and would definitely be free from suffering.

I observed my mind and saw that as long as I kept being aware of the body and the
mind in the present moment, suffering would not exist. The mind would remain neutral,
at ease, and independent. This is always true when one is being aware of oneself in the
present moment. In the past I heard the teachers saying, "No n- suffering is where the
suffering is". I was puzzled about this and wondered how one could end suffering then
and there while one was in the middle of it. I was doubtful as to how it could be
possible. But at this stage of my practice, I found the answer myself. The answer is
that we suffer because we put up ourselves as a sufferer. The suffering will
instantly cease when we stick to pure observation, seeing the suffering but not
identifying oneself as the sufferer. I was able to answer this for myself. Therefore, to
be free from suffering, pure observation must be made. From then on, I tried to build up
the strength of this observation so that it became well established. Whenever anything
arose, I would then be able to see it straight away. At this point, any doubt on the
Dhamma I read or heard, became clearer to me. I kept on practising with a resolve to be
attentive and to persevere in this practice until it became my profession. Other people
have their professions, but it was as though I was unemployed. I decided to take up the
practice of developing awareness to be my profession. I shall dedicate my life to this
single practice. This is the last thing I shall do to the best of my ability. There's nothing
else I need to do. For the remaining part of my life I shall dedicate myself to this practice
so I can be liberated from suffering before I die.

Mystery
Uncovered

After a period of practice, I gained insight into certain things that happened to my
mind and body. This insight has nothing to do with seeing the light or colour out of
body. It is the wisdom arising from one's observation and experience inside one's mind
and body. I saw the nature of the body as one thing, and the nature of the mind or the
thinking as another. The nature of awareness (knowing, feeling, sensing) is also unique.
The nature and characteristics of these three are different. Awareness, in particular, is
neither the thinking nor the body, but needs to exist with the body. However it is
separate from the body. The wisdom I gained is all about these three entities, body, mind
or thinking, and awareness (knowing, feeling, sensing). Awareness perceives that the
body and the mind are impermanent, not under anyone's control, and not-self. The
mystery of the nature of body and mind is covered up but awareness reveals it all.
Awareness uncovers and reveals to us the three characteristics of nature hidden in the
body and the mind. Life is investigated by using the body and mind as text books, and
awareness as the student.

One's life needs to be studied by investigating one's body and mind while one is
still alive. Studying from text books will not lead you anywhere near the truth.
Investigating into one's body and mind will enable one to see and understand oneself
more clearly. It can transform one's life. One's old habits will change and be replaced
by new ones. For example, in the past we indulged ourselves in emotions and thoughts
before acting, speaking, or thinking. Emotions and thoughts bossed us around. We
sometimes regretted what we had said or done. We often made mistakes from saying or
doing things we shouldn't have. Our life was full of mistakes; it was not that clean and
clear cut. Now life has changed and we become aware of ourselves before acting,
speaking, or thinking. Thought is no longer scattered. It is intentional; it's the thinking
accompanied by wisdom. Such thought is creative and useful. We will be able to think
in order, and can stop thinking whenever we wish. We will not have insomnia due to
excessive thoughts. We change from being controlled by life to being life's controller.
No more will we let fate or destiny be our master or have power over us. Instead, we let
awareness determine the course and be the author of our life. Accordingly, we are free
and make very few mistakes in living our life. Now life is transparent. This can be seen
as a transformation to a new life, psychologically, not physically. My body can no longer
be transformed. The doctor is unable to make my disabled body normally function again.
But one can be psychologically transformed. How then?

Mental Resignation
From Disability

After one month at the beginning of my self-awareness practice, I became
increasingly aware of myself in the present moment. This enabled me to gain insight into
the nature of body and mind. I perceived clearly that the body and the mind are separate
entities. The body is not the mind and the mind is not the body. They are separate yet
interdependent. They jointly exist but their nature and functions are different. Since
gaining that insight, my mind has resigned from the disabled body. It has detached itself
from the body to be with awareness (knowing, feeling, sensing). It is therefore free from
the body's condition; the disabled body is left alone. The mind only acts as the observer,
sensing and knowing without being affected. It no longer carries any burden or feeling
of being a disabled person. The disability is to be left with the body until the last day of
my life. When this is clearly perceived, the mind is entitled to resign. I saw this as a
transformation of my life. The mind has been transformed from being disabled to
being in a state of normality. The mind is transformed from suffering to non-
suffering. It is a psychological, not physical, transformation. "Awareness" has
also helped me change, and given me a new life.

In the fifth year 9 of my practice, I became increasingly skilful and my awareness
was increasingly established. I intended to develop my awareness continuously, in every
activity, throughout the day. However, this was not achieved as intended. Sometimes I
was not fully aware and let my mind get carried away with emotions or thoughts. I
realised then that I had not achieved any good results from my practice. I was still
absent-minded but at least I became aware again sooner than before. When I first
started, if I was unaware, I would feel unhappy and blame myself for quite a while. I
wasted my time thinking another thought on top of others. Now if I happen to indulge
myself in thoughts or emotions, once I become aware, they will be instantly let go of and
I can come back to the present moment straight away. I no longer waste my time feeling
sorry or blaming myself which creates double thoughts. I just let it go, let it be the past.
I will start and continue being aware of the present moment again until it becomes my
habit.

It is good to keep alerting oneself to become mindful over and over again.
This is like shifting the mind or awareness to a new position so it becomes sharper.
It is similar to replacing a pair of spectacles with new lenses. One is able to see
more clearly.

Each passing day, lots of inner and outer events have come and gone, into and out
of my life. If it is necessary to get involved, I will do so with awareness, and dealing
with them in accordance with conventional duties. If it is not necessary to be involved, I
will try to avoid them, especially any nonsense that will make me forget and become
unaware of the present moment. Anything that is not for the ending of suffering will
usually be overlooked or bypassed. My duty is to be aware of myself in the present
moment and not to take things outside seriously. Any emotion arising, love or hate, is
there for investigation. I will make use of these emotions to develop my awareness.
I see this as something that helps me become more experienced, teaching me the
Dhamma, and giving me wisdom. What I have to do is to investigate and examine

9 Year 2003

the mind's reaction. If it is still sensitive to and affected by love and hate, it means
I have not yet passed the test. This is a good self-assessment.

The Positive Side of Disability

At first I thought my disability would be an obstacle to the developing of
awareness. But after my experience, it is clear to me that it does not pose any problem
at all. On the contrary, it turns out to be a motivation for me to practise hard so that my
mind could be quickly set free from being a disabled person. The suffering I experienced
is also like a licence for me to enter the path of meditation practice. If I didn't suffer, I
wouldn't have been interested in the Lord Buddha's teaching. I wouldn't have felt that
the Lord Buddha's teaching was necessary for me, had it not been for suffering.
Suffering instigated me to have faith in the training of my mind so that I could be free
from it. It is also one of the most important foundations for developing one's awareness.
This is the positive side of suffering.

If during the period of developing awareness, suffering arises, either physically or
psychologically, it will be instantly investigated. Investigation will be made into its
nature and characteristics, its origin, and the question as to who is suffering. If I become
the sufferer, I fail the test. But if I am aware and just observe the suffering, I pass the
test. In actual fact, seeing suffering is to see the Dhamma, the Truth of Nature,
and vice versa. The Lord Buddha said, "One should be aware of suffering". Thus
suffering is there to make us gain wisdom.

Leave Thoughts Alone

Prior to and during the beginning of my practice, thoughts posed a lot of problems
to me. I suffered because of those thoughts. Even though they are just illusions, the
mind is strongly affected. Thoughts, especially unintentional ones, used to control my
life if I got attached to and identified with them. These unintentional, uninvited thoughts
arise from time to time, accompanied by desire and aversion. They are the root of our
suffering. One of the four foundations of mindfulness is to do with thoughts.
Thoughts are mental concoctions and not the mind. The mind and the thoughts
are separate. They are not a single entity, but exist together. The mind is naturally
independent and empty. Thoughts are like guests visiting the mind from time to time.
They come and go. We just have to be attentive to our physical movements.

This awareness cultivation helps to prevent the mind from being dominated by
thoughts. This can be compared to when I am sitting on this wheelchair. A passer-by
will just walk past me. He will not come to sit on top of me because he can see that the
wheelchair is occupied. But if anyone is approaching with the intention to sit on me, I
can raise my hand or say something to stop him. The same goes with the mind. When
one is aware, one's mind is protected. Thoughts can no longer take over. And if one
happens to be unaware and becomes overpowered by thoughts, the mind will be alerted,
lets go of thoughts and becomes fully aware again. The mind is thus free from
defilements and is happy.

While training the mind, practitioners usually complain of thoughts
interfering. Careful reflection on this will pose a question as to who is actually
interfering. As a matter of fact, it is we who interfere with thoughts. Thoughts
arise naturally because that's the way they do. We cannot stop them. Neither can
we have only pleasant thoughts that we like, nor be free from unpleasant ones. We
cannot tell ourselves not to think because thoughts are not under our command. A
person who has no thoughts at all is a dead person. What we have to do is to be
aware of our bodily movements without paying any attention to thoughts. Do this
as if we were driving on a road, but on a different lane from thoughts without
crossing each other's lane. The fact that we try to stop thoughts, or indulge
ourselves in them is like we are interfering in both ways. That's why we suffer.
Try to see it as a pay back for our own karma. The more thoughts that arise, the better;
they can be used as objects of investigation, as a foundation with which to train the mind
to develop awareness. We will be able to investigate and get to know their nature and
characteristics. Getting lost in thoughts, or indulging ourselves in them means we fail the
test. Seeing thoughts and being able to detach the mind, to be firmly established with
awareness, means we pass the test. Thoughts are there for us to gain wisdom. The Lord
Buddha became enlightened, not because of tranquillity meditation alone, nor due to the
perception of lights and colours, but because he observed his mind and his thoughts.

Tranquillity or calmness experienced during the practice can captivate us, make us
lazy, and stop us from developing awareness; hence wisdom may not be developed. We
may learn very little and suffering will remain. If we carry on like this and the mind does
not reach a state of tranquillity, we suffer. This is because tranquillity by itself is
impermanent. Buddhist teaching leads us far beyond tranquillity meditation. We
are taught to see through tranquillity and to understand its nature, so that the
mind does not become caught up in it but remains above it. Nirvana is above
tranquillity. The Lord Buddha became enlightened by investigating the truth of his
experiences, including his thoughts. He sat and observed His mind under the Bodhi Tree

on the bank of Neranjara River. Desires and defilements came in the form of thoughts to
build a house in His mind. But He perceived and recognised them. They were
instrumental for his enlightenment.

Dhamma is in Everything

Anything I experience, whether suffering or thoughts, is there for me to
investigate. It is an object for training the mind, to reveal the Truth, to help me gain
wisdom, and to test my mind. I just have to do what I can to pass the test. Sometimes I
fail, but it doesn't matter. The mind becomes more experienced and it helps to
strengthen the mind. As time goes by, the experience of failing and passing the test has
made one's awareness increase. I always end up with self- awareness because I have
taught myself and practised like this by myself. Developing awareness is truly reliable.
It is the creation of a true refuge for one's mind, the Dhamma medicine that helps
to return one's being to its original state of normality. Whenever I have any
problem or suffering in my life, I will turn to investigating and training the mind
so that it becomes my whole being. Life can be turned around from bad to good
by living one's life according to the Dhamma: the Law of Nature.

Awareness sets my mind free from the body. The body is no longer too much of a
burden to the mind.

Awareness helps to intercept thoughts so that the mind does not become
dominated by thoughts to the point of losing its state of normality.

Awareness is like purging impurities and sorrow in the mind, making the mind
clean and pure.

Awareness has made my life better every day, like the saying of the Lord Buddha,
"A fully aware person gets better every day". And life is really getting better; one can
see for oneself and directly experience by oneself. Self-awareness/mindfulness is the
pinnacle of all the truths of the Dhamma. It is the noble inner refuge, the foundation of
my life. Disability might make me suffer, but awareness helps set me free from suffering.

I may be unlucky to become disabled to the extent of being incapable to look after
myself, and having to depend on others' kindness to help me and look after me. But that
is just the body. As regards the mind, I don't need any help. I can take care of the mind
myself. I encourage myself and get rid of suffering in the mind myself. I can depend on
myself psychologically with the practice of developing awareness. I count myself lucky
to be born as a human-being and to have found Buddhism. I live among my father,
mother, and relatives; in a very good environment indeed. I am even luckier to have
discovered Luang Por Teean's method of developing awareness, and to have Luang Por
Khamkhian as the teacher advising me on developing awareness. I have followed his
advice and have achieved a satisfactory result, that is to find the path to end suffering
myself. This has greatly lessened my suffering. All the people I have mentioned have
greatly supported me. I have nothing to offer them in return except to pay them homage
by practising meditation. I will carry on with this practice until my mind experiences the
highest virtue in Buddhism, the point at which the mind is completely liberated from
suffering. After that I will help to carry on the mission of my teachers by giving advice
to practitioners who are training their minds to lessen or completely end their suffering. I
am willing to be a good friend to all beings who share the nature of birth, old age,
sickness, and death.

Obstacles during the Practice

It has been approximately three years, from 1995 to 1998, since I started the practice of
developing awareness. During this period, I have experienced the following obstacles.

1. Posture: A disabled person will experience some problems with the postures
or positions in the practice of developing insight. However, there is room for some
manoeuvreing within one's limitations. I have developed awareness using some parts of
my body which still function reasonably well. I cannot take up the three main postures;
sitting, standing, and walking, so most of the time I practise in the lying position. I
normally he down on my back while turning my hands. After a while, the hands become
weak so I have to change to another position to continue my practice. Practising in one
position for too long makes one's awareness dull. As a result, one has to find a new
position in order to become more alert. Sometimes my mind was overpowered by
drowsiness or excessive thoughts and I wanted to completely detach the mind from those
feelings. However, I cannot do so with any position other than turning my body to he on
the left or right side. Sometimes I was successful in completely pulling my mind out of
those feelings. At other times I had to make quick and forceful movements to stimulate
the mind to become alert and consequently free from those emotions. Because one's
physical movements are restricted, one has to think of ways to adapt one's practice to fit
in with the situation as much as one can in order to develop awareness.

2. Physical suffering: A person with physical disability usually develops
complications which sometimes turn chronic, such as feeling no sensation in the body,
having stomach ache, indigestion, or heartburn. And when the weather is hot, one will
feel very hot and needs to cool one's body with water. These are obstacles in developing
awareness. When severe physical pain or discomfort becomes strong and cannot be
relieved by any medication or help, patience has to be adopted in the development of
awareness. Sometimes, one has to wait until the suffering has subsided before one can
resume the practice.

3. Emotions: These arise due to outside factors which trouble the mind. When
one practises meditation at home, there are always many outside factors troubling the
mind. These range from material objects to noise, sound, etc. Confronting these
emotions sometimes makes one forgetful and one can get caught up in them; hence one's
awareness does not become very well established. Sometimes my practice was
interrupted by visitors with whom I had to talk to for social reasons. My practice was
therefore not continuous because chatting undermines one's focus on being in the
present moment. It does not support the development of awareness. This is an obstacle.
On certain occasions, I had to wait for an opportunity to be quiet or alone, which was a
waste of time. I needed to have a quiet, peaceful moment in order to practise properly.
At other times, the environment was not favourable, I had to create my own
environment, looking for a quiet corner in the house to develop awareness. But after a
long period of practice, I have been more experienced and awareness becomes sharper
and stronger. It is now the master to emotions caused by outside factors, that once
troubled my mind. So I have overcome this obstacle.

4. Thoughts: For me, the obstacles are not the unwholesome thoughts, but the
good and virtuous thoughts of wanting to achieve the final goal, to be free from suffering

quickly. These thoughts are full of desires. For example, I thought of leaving home to
practise in a quiet and peaceful place, to be closer to teachers. I wanted to see living
examples of the practice and would have liked to have had good friends who were also
practitioners, so we might have developed awareness together. I wanted the
environment in which I could meet people who lived their daily lives working with self-
awareness throughout the day. I also would have liked to have met or to have associated
with people whose minds were in the state of normality. As these thoughts were ridden
with desires, they made my mind struggle. In brief, it was, "suffering caused by an
unfulfilled desire for an object". They may be good and creative thoughts but they are
still just mental concoctions. They are not the mind itself. When I saw through them
clearly, I was able to overcome this obstacle.

5. Drowsiness/Sleepiness: All practitioners usually experience this obstacle. It
happened to me especially at the beginning when I had to practise in the lying posture,
the position in which one is most susceptible to falling asleep. Teachers usually advise us
to change our position, to walk, wash our face etc. in order to combat sleepiness.
However, the only thing I can do is to turn my body to he on my left or right side. It is
very restricted. On some occasions, changing position like this did not help so I had to
find my own solutions to deal with sleepiness. For example, while practising, I would
hold water in my mouth, making it difficult for me to breathe but helping me not to feel
sleepy. In fact, drowsiness/sleepiness is only the mind conditioning. It is not the
mind. It is separate from the mind. This is the main thing to remember.
Sometimes, when we are being aware of our bodily movements, we may find that this
sleepiness comes uninvited and overpowers our mind, hence this sleepiness/drowsiness
displays the truth of 'not self: we didn't invite it but it overwhelms us anyway. So we
have to establish awareness more firmly by shifting the knowing/sensing of bodily
movements to the middle point between the two eyebrows. We then widen the eyes to
heighten awareness. Sleepiness will go away due to the strength of our awareness, as
though afraid. Once sleepiness disappears, we can continue being aware of our bodily
movements.

These five obstacles mentioned above do not always impede the development of
awareness. There are ways to overcome these obstacles, which only occur at the
beginning of the practice. I experienced them in the first three years. Now when I
encounter these obstacles, I use them as the objects of investigation. They are
instrumental to the development of my awareness, helping the awareness to be
increasingly firm and well established, and enabling me to gain more experience. These
obstacles are not-self; they are merely illusions which work at deceiving us. In the end
we have to let go of all of them to be at one with awareness; we live in the present
moment, seeing everything in accordance with the truth. This is the most superior way to
live one's life. Try to score a lot on this. When one places the importance on one's
awareness, other things become of no value. We will be able to overcome all of these
obstacles and achieve the goal of our practice.

Final Chapter

Disability is only inconvenience not an illness. It is just a physical inconvenience
about which one has no choice. However, one has a choice about the mind; one can
consciously choose to be happy, to find happiness even in unsatisfactory situations by
developing insight.

Any problem that we encounter has to be solved in any case. It is something we
cannot control and sometimes cannot choose. However, we have a choice whether to
solve the problem with a troubled or an untroubled mind. This we can choose. This is
because everyone was born to be free from suffering so we must not carry it in our
hearts. We must be fair to our mind.

Developing awareness can transform oneself from being a sufferer to the state of
seeing suffering. This is because the pure state of awareness is not a being. It is neither
a woman nor a man. Neither is it right nor wrong, happy nor unhappy. It is not
dualistic. It exists above and beyond all things. It is the single state of pure indifferent
knowing or sensing. Any duty one is required to perform is to be conventionally carried
out with the balanced mind that is free from suffering.

(first photograph and extract, between p. 112 - 113)

Exit from
Suffering

Any problem that we encounter

has to be solved in any case.

It is something we cannot control

and sometimes cannot choose.

However, we have a choice

whether to solve the problem with a troubled

or an untroubled mind.

This we can choose.

This is because everyone was born

to be free from suffering

so we must not carry it in our hearts.

We must be fair to our mind.

(second photograph and extract, between p. 112 - 113)

From bad
to good

Developing awareness is truly reliable.

It is the creation of a true refuge for one's mind,

the Dhamma medicine that helps

to return one's being to its original state of normality.

Whenever I have any problem

or suffering in my life,

I will turn to investigating and training the mind

so that it becomes my whole being.

Life can be turned around from bad to good

by living one's life

according to the Dhamma: the Law of Nature.

(third photograph and extract, between p. 112 - 113)

From the Sufferer
to a Non-Sufferer

Developing awareness can transform oneself

from being a sufferer to the state of seeing suffering.

This is because the pure state of awareness

is not a being.

It is neither a woman nor a man.

Neither is it right nor wrong,

happy nor unhappy.

It is not dualistic.

It exists above and beyond all things.

It is the single state of

pure indifferent knowing or sensing.

Any duty one is required to perform

is to be conventionally carried out

with the balanced mind that is free from suffering.

(fourth photograph and extract, between p. 112 - 113)

Bright and Shining Mind
In a Disabled Body

Disability is only inconvenience

not an illness.

It is just a physical inconvenience

about which one has no choice.

However, one has a choice about the mind;

one can consciously choose to be happy,

to find happiness

even in unsatisfactory situations

by developing insight.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
ANSWER TO YOUR QUERIES

Since 1999 the year from which I had the opportunity to practise Dhamma at
Sugato Forest Monastery, people have come to talk to me and asked me many questions.
Some questions were about me and some were about the people who asked questions
themselves. There were a lot of questions relating to the development of awareness. A
selection of questions here are questions people frequently ask, and which I can
remember. The answers I have given are mainly from my own experience of practice.
Some are from what I have heard from teachers or read in text books. These answers
may be right or wrong so I would like the readers to consider them first without instantly
accepting or rejecting them.

1. I would like to know how you felt after having the accident that made you
disabled for the rest of your life.

During the initial period after the accident in which I was receiving treatment at
Central Hospital in Bangkok, I thought it was a dream, a nightmare. I was confused and
unable to think clearly. And when I learned that I was to be disabled for the rest of my
life, my worry increased. I thought all day and all night, experiencing both physical and
psychological suffering. The body was painful and I was disappointed. An image of me
sitting on a wheelchair for a disabled person and lying down on a bed, immobile and
bedridden, often came into my mind and made me feel unhappy.

Had I been disabled from birth, I would probably have not been that unhappy. I
would probably have been able to adapt to the situation from birth, without having to
spend a long time adjusting myself. However, I had been used to a body that functioned
normally for 24 years, so when the body became defective and disabled, I felt very sorry.
I felt irritated and worried that I would no longer be able to do anything. My life
probably came to ruin. All of my confidence also crumbled. It was like I had drowned in
suffering and would also in the future.

2. Have you ever thought of committing suicide?

The thought of killing myself never entered my head but I used to feel tired of
living in this world. I felt the world was boring and full of suffering day in day out.
Some people showed their sympathy to me by saying that if it were them, they would
probably have killed themselves long time ago. That was like pointing the way to the
thief. But I relied on my patience. I tried to put up with everything and resolved to be
patient to the end. People around me and members of my family play an important part
in helping me in this kind of situation. My family never put any pressure on me to make
me feel suicidal. They only gave me words of encouragement. I also thought that if I
killed myself, it would cause grief to my parents. They already suffered because of me
and they would suffer even more if I killed myself. It was one of the reasons I did not
think of committing suicide.

However, in the language of the Dhamma, killing oneself is good. It is to
annihilate one's ego, not to destroy the body. The body knows nothing. It has been a
good slave to us. We use the body to do many things. It is pitiful. However, what we
should be getting rid of is the thought of committing suicide. That is to slay the
wrong thinking that this body and mind is our very own. We should eliminate this
thought. When wrong thinking has been destroyed, suffering will never arise.

3. What is the state of mind of a person who is suffering?

A person who suffers will feel irritated, worried, restless, temperamental, and is
likely to do things to spite oneself. Sometimes he feels like crying or wanting to kill
himself.

4. How did you control your mind while being patient to combat suffering?

I didn't do anything to control my mind. I just accepted the truth about the
situation I found myself in. Accepting the truth helped to calm me down. I felt like I had

let go of something in my mind. And I felt that if I had to die, I would just accept it.
That's all.

5. What inspired you to choose the Dhamma to solve problems in your life? Have
you ever thought of any other ways before?

In the past, I was never interested in the Dhamma. I enjoyed myself watching,
listening to, and entertaining myself with things outside to cover up problems I had, the
way I always did. I misunderstood that those entertainments could get rid of my
suffering. And they did to a certain extent. While we are having a good time, we
temporarily forget our problems. But after a while, we become fed up and unhappy
again. We escape from one problem to another, like running away from a tiger to a
crocodile. The relief of suffering is therefore temporary. In fact, it shouldn't be called
'the relief of suffering'. It would be more correct to call it, 'the cover up of suffering'.
However, such cover up is not successful because suffering still comes up. It has not
been completely extinguished. My father and mother are the ones who introduced me to
the noble path. They made me interested in the Dhamma, the teaching of the Lord
Buddha, and they practised the Dhamma as examples themselves. Also, I thought since I
intended to be ordained but missed the opportunity, I should have used this situation to
study and practise the Dhamma instead. I was therefore inspired to walk on the
Dhamma path.

6. What was the pivotal point in your life when you started to suffer less?

At the beginning after I just had the accident, I suffered a lot and had to rely on my
patience to put up with it. After a while, I got used to the suffering. Also suffering is
not permanent so as time went by I felt I didn't suffer as much as before. When Luang
Por Khamkhian kindly advised me about the dynamic meditation, using movements to
develop awareness, I felt more encouraged. I was blessed by a letter from Luang Por. I
became hopeful, especially on the practice of meditation which I thought was not
possible for a disabled person. Later on, my attitude changed to T can do it', and it
made me become more confident. When I became encouraged, I felt better. This was
the pivotal point in my life. Encouragement given by the teacher is very beneficial. In
fact, reading and listening to the Dhamma at the beginning made me feel somewhat
better but I did not evidently achieve anything because I did not feel uplifted. But life
seemed to become bright and livery just by thinking about practising, without actually
doing it. That's why I came to understand that to have a life, one's mind must be fresh
and bright, then one can be "livery". Anyone who is not fresh and bright is like a person
without life, a dead person, like a withering tree waiting to die. It could be said that the
tree is not livery.

(Photograph and extract, between p. 119 - 121)

If one's mind is properly prepared

when dealing with problems and obstacles,

one will not suffer.

Problems are only there for us to solve.

And obstacles are only there

for us to overcome.

That is all.

7. I would like to know how people around you have changed in terms of their
feelings and reactions before and after you took up Dhamma practice?

Before practising the Dhamma, I suffered a great deal. This made people around
me suffer as well, especially my father and mother who looked unhappy. However, after
the practice, I experienced a mental transformation. I suffered less and was able to smile.
The atmosphere in my family brightened up. But what I am proud of is the fact that I
was instrumental to my father turning to the path of Dhamma practice. In the past, he
was interested in amulets but not very keen on the teaching of the Buddha. After
starting to develop self- awareness according to Luang Por Teean's approach, he changed
from being short-tempered to being calm, and gave up his addiction to everything
including alcoholic drinks, cigarettes, coffee, tea, inhalants, and pastille. He even
refrained from eating in the evening. He was a good example for members of our family.
At the time when he was dying, he was fully aware until the last moment and he passed
away peacefully. He was gone like a 'Sugato', which means 'a well-gone person', the
one who's gone with awareness. My mother also changed a lot from being the person
who already had faith in Buddhism to having more faith. She spent her time developing
awareness by going to stay with me at Sugato Forest Monastery, the same as my father
did. I think that in the future when she is going to pass away, she will probably be a
'Sugato', the one who has gone well just like my father. These are the changes I clearly
witnessed of people around me.

8. How can one seek happiness from suffering?

Actually, I haven't been seeking happiness. I only do my professional job. If my
hands are not busy, my mind will be restless. But since I can hardly do any physical
work, I take on this mental work instead. I work on developing awareness, being
mindful of myself. I focus on mental work and make it my occupation. Developing
awareness and being mindful of one's being helps one live in the present moment, the
moment at which one is living one's life each day. For example, one should always be
aware when acting, speaking, or thinking. When one is fully aware in the present
moment, one forgets suffering. There is no time for suffering to be invited into oneself
due to one's thought. The time is only there for being fully aware of oneself in the
present moment. Emotions in the past and the future therefore do not arise because
suffering usually comes when one is thinking about the past or the future. The secret of
living in a state of no n- suffering is to be in the present moment. Worries about the past,
the future, or the present cannot come into existence. When the mind does not suffer,
happiness comes into existence, that's all. I do not seek any external happiness. I only
let go of suffering in the mind, and happiness comes in by itself. This is the internal
happiness, calm, peaceful, and real. Once you experience this kind of happiness, you do
not want to search for any other pleasures outside. As a matter of fact, I do not wish to
call this 'happiness' because it is not safe to use this word as people are usually attached
to it. Let's say it is the happiness arising from the mind which is free from suffering.
That is safer.

It is very challenging to be fully aware in the present moment. Whatever
happens, outside or inside, I will always be here. I will be at the point where I
don't have to suffer psychologically. Awareness will clearly perceive suffering and
does not become a sufferer. Any problem will be conventionally solved. Where
there is suffering, non-suffering is also there. We can choose not to suffer without

having to escape to seek happiness. Happiness is right here with us in the present
moment.

9. What can we do if there is a problem or an obstacle happening in our life?

Compose yourself first. Be calm and face that problem by investigating the cause,
then solve the cause of the problem. This will enable us to solve the problem once and
for all. If we can't think of anything and don't know what to do, do not act. Try
consulting a pundit (a learned person) so that he can give an advice or encouragement to
you to regain yourself.

If one's mind is properly prepared when dealing with problems and obstacles, one
will not suffer. Problems are only there for us to solve. And obstacles are only there for
us to overcome. That is all. However, because of our wrong perception, we take hold
of everything as suffering. We create the state of suffering within our mind. Wise and
clever people also have problems and obstacles because some events are not under one's
control and sometimes there is no choice. But they do not attach to them as problems,
obstacles, or suffering. They just get on with solving the problems and overcoming the
obstacles without suffering in their minds. They are pundits in Dhamma.

10. Why do you choose Luang Por Teean's approach to develop awareness? Have
you ever tried any other methods? And what is the right way to train the mind in
order to extinguish suffering?

I tried some other methods but not seriously because I could not sit for very long.
I spent most of the time in the lying position. Training my mind while lying down and
keeping my eyes closed made me fall asleep easily. Whenever I meditated, I fell asleep.

Luang Por Teean's approach of developing awareness concentrates on being
constantly aware of one's physical and mental movements. You are advised not to stay
still so that the mind is always aware, awake, and alert, without thinking. Thoughts,
however, are not to be suppressed or followed, but to be seen through and let go of.
Calmness is not the only aim. This approach is therefore suitable for my condition. I can
practise while lying down.

Training the mind and practising the Dhamma to free oneself from suffering, by
whatever approach, usually starts with developing 'Sati' or awareness, for example
Kayagatasati (mindfulness of the body), Anussati 10 (10 practices to develop constant
mindfulness), Anapanasati (mindfulness on breathing) and Satipatthana (The Four
foundations of mindfulness). The word 'Sati' (awareness/mindfulness) appears in these
practices. If one starts by developing 'Sati' (awareness), that is correct. Awareness
will lead to clear comprehension, concentration, and wisdom, which helps one to let
go of defilements, the cause of suffering. Suffering consequently does not arise.
The only difference is the method by which the practitioner uses to train the mind
or develop awareness.

11. How can one achieve the result quickly from developing awareness?

The practitioner has to be constantly aware of himself/herself in every posture
throughout the day except when sleeping. Awareness should be developed not only in a
practising session, when one is creating rhythmic movements or walking meditation, but

also in one's daily life. Whatever activity you are doing each day, do it with
awareness. Always move and feel consciously. Keep on being aware of yourself
continuously. Awareness will increase and lead you to wisdom. A comparison can
be made to when you are having a meal, you need to put food in your mouth more than
once to make you feel full. Or when we pound chillies to make curry paste, we have to
keep on pounding to get the result.

12. How can I tell whether I have made any progress or whether I have practised
correctly?

The Dhamma is 'Sanditthiko', that is you can see the result for yourself. If it is so
then it is correct. You can make simple assessments. For example, if you practise
correctly, you would become increasingly aware of your actions, speech, and thinking.
Or when you are experiencing emotions due to contact through the eyes or ears, you
would be able to see through them. Your mind would not be distracted. It would be
calm and sensitive to any object in contact but not affected by it. Your mind would
remain in the state of normality without any doubt. What's important is that your
suffering would lessen. This you can be certain of. If you practise but your suffering is
increasing, that means you are not doing it correctly.

13. Is there any way we can persuade people around us to practise like we do?

This is a very good question. We should influence each other to do virtuous
things. It is good to practise the Dhamma to train one's mind. It is the most important
thing in life. Developing awareness, in particular, is the way to create refuge for oneself
as awareness is hugely beneficial. Sometimes only verbal persuasion is not enough. We
must practise as an example, and be happy, for them to see. If they can experience peace
and calmness within you, that will be more effective.

14. What should one take into account when developing awareness?

The most important thing is how to prepare your mind. If it is not correct, it will
be a waste of your time and delay you. But if your mind is properly prepared and you
practise sufficiently, you will discover an easy short cut. For example, focusing on being
aware of physical movements has to be done correctly. That is the mind should be
indifferent and simply aware, not thinking about anything. It should be balanced and
neutral. Your mind should be kept in the state of no anticipation, not hoping or wanting
to gain anything from the practice. Or if you are diligent, for example, constantly making
bodily movements, that is also good, but you also have to be diligent in being aware of
those movements for awareness to increase. If bodily movements are constantly made
but the mind is scattered, floating, and not being here and now, then you are still
regarded as being lazy and not persevering enough. The important thing is how your
mind is prepared. Be constantly aware of the body and the mind in the present moment
and do it continuously like a chain. That is enough.

15. Dhamma Practice/mental cultivation is the best thing to do but I have very
little time, what shall I do?

I've always heard people complaining about having no time, mainly as an excuse.
Do we really have no time, or is it that we don't make the time for it? If we make the
time for the practice, we will have time. If not, we won't. In this matter, I think that if
we value anything because we see that it is beneficial, then we will always have

time for it. For example, if we appreciate and place a lot of importance on money and
property, we would be diligent and always have time for it. We even work overtime.
Similarly, if we appreciate and value the importance of mental cultivation, we would
have more time for it. We may even do it overtime. This is due to how you value or
appreciate the benefit of the Dhamma.

We are lucky to be born as human-beings and to have found Buddhism. Would
we just spend our time pursuing pleasures and wasting our lives in ignorance? You
should give yourself a chance and give some time to yourself to practise the Dhamma, to
discover the best thing a human-being could have. It will be worthwhile being born.

16. How can one get rid of the habit of procrastination or putting off an action
until later?

I never thought that I would be spending my life in a disabled body like this. I did
not hope and dream of this. But because of life's uncertainty, this happened to me. I
therefore would like to remind everyone, with love and concern, not to be heedless in
life. Who knows what could happen to us? Please don't be complacent. Start living
your life practising the Dhamma to find your inner refuge while your body is still strong
and experiences little pain. You don't have to wait until you become disabled or full of
suffering like me before practising. Such physical conditions may completely discourage
you and makes you feel hopeless. Too much suffering or too many physical problems
will make the practice difficult and full of obstacles. All sentient beings cannot escape
from old age, sickness, and death. They shall part from each other and are subject
to their own Karma (actions). These are sufferings waiting to happen to you now
and in the future. If you do not seek a refuge, which is the Dhamma, when
suffering occurs, you will become a pitiful destitute with nothing to turn to. So
please don't be lazy. Start to train your mind from now and one day you shall be
sublimely blissful.

17. Why do we progress very well when practising at the monastery, but become
forgetful and unaware when we are back at home?

There is a stark difference between the monastery and home or office. The
environment at the monastery, in particular, is supportive to developing awareness.
There are good friends and teachers there to help us. The place is more peaceful and
quieter than at home or office. However, the difference is only the environment. 'Sati'
or awareness is not different. It has the duty to be aware, to know just the same.
Whether you are at the monastery, at home or office, you can always be aware. Just be
quick and alert with your awareness.

Therefore, we don't have to differentiate between places. Wherever we are, and in
whatever circumstances, we should prepare our mind to be aware and fully alert. This is
enough.

(Photograph and extract, between p. 127 — 129)

All sentient beings cannot escape
from old age, sickness, and death.
They shall part from each other
and are subject to
their own Karma (actions).
These are sufferings
waiting to happen to you
now and in the future.

18. What should one do when one becomes bored, discouraged, and is in despair
when practising the Dhamma?

These symptoms may arise because we are too hopeful for the result, or we feel we
are not progressing. It doesn't matter if these conditions arise. Just be patient and
persevere further. Keep on practising. Do not stop. Soon these conditions will diminish
or disappear because they are only mind conditionings. They are not permanent. They
arise and pass away.

When we practise meditation or develop awareness, we will instantly get the
abstract results recorded onto our mind all the time. It is not like the worldly kind of
work from which you gain material or concrete results. That is more evident. Just tell
yourself it doesn't matter if you don't get the result now or today. You may achieve
more in the future. A comparison can be made to when you are chewing a sugar cane.
It is tasteless at the end but gets sweeter nearer to its root. Sometimes we have to
motivate ourselves to be enthusiastic to practise. We must learn to encourage
ourselves when we feel disheartened or are in despair. Encouragement must first
come from us then from others. Encouragement from others is like a bonus. It is
better to be self-motivated as nobody knows ourselves as well as we do.

19. How can we solve the problem of feeling sleepy while developing awareness?

Sleepiness or drowsiness is like every practitioner's good friend. It always comes
to visit. This is nothing strange because at the time before taking up meditation practice,
we also experience sleepiness as part of nature. It is good that we feel sleepy. It means
we are normal. So we should be thankful; otherwise, we may have to find drugs to help
us to sleep due to lack of feeling sleepy. There are many ways I'd like to recommend to
tackle sleepiness. For example, you can move any part of your body quickly and
forcefully; change your posture; go to practise in a brighter place; look at the sky; look at
all directions; widen your eyes; slap your face; drink plenty of water; sweep the floor; eat
less, etc. However, it is better if you can find your own way to deal with this
problem. It will be more effective than any advice received from others because
their techniques may not always work for you.

The main thing to do to deal with sleepiness is not to stop or control it but
acknowledge that sleepy feeling and put your attention to developing awareness of
physical movements to compete against it. One must be patient. This is the
practitioner's duty. You don't have to do anything to sleepiness at all. When you feel
sleepy while practising, you can change your posture. Myself, I am immobile so I have
to combat against sleepiness without ever being defeated. If we keep our mind strong,
we will be able to overcome sleepiness. This is because sleepiness is not permanent. It
comes and goes. Sleepiness is the Dhamma, it is Nature. Do not dislike it because it is
part of our lives. Any practitioner, who sees/observes sleepiness while practising, is
seeing the Dhamma. We just have to be fully aware. But don't indulge yourself in it.

(Photograph and extract, between p. 132 - 134)

It is good to have many thoughts arising
because we will be increasingly aware of them.
Do not dislike thoughts
because they are also
part of our lives.

20. What shall I do with thoughts that keep on arising so excessively while
practising that it is impossible to stop them?

Thought is also an enemy to many practitioners. In my opinion it is good that you
can still think. A person without any thought is a dead person. Thoughts are natural.
They are the Dhamma. While practising, if thoughts arise, let them. Don't do
anything to them nor try to deal with them. Do not stop them. Do not indulge in
them. Do not control them. What's important is not to get caught up in them.
Just be fully and neutrally aware of them. Thoughts will go away by themselves.
If they don't, return to be aware of your bodily movements. Do not forget this
foundation of mindfulness as regards to the body. Do your duty by being aware of
the body in competition with thoughts. If we let thoughts be as they are without
trying to elaborate or concoct more details about them, they will be short-lived and
disappear quickly. And if we place no value on them, they will hardly arise. In fact, for
practitioners, it is good to have many thoughts arising because we will be increasingly
aware of them. Do not dislike thoughts because they are also part of our lives.

21. What should I do if I have a headache, dizziness, stress, or feel pressure in my
chest while practising?

These symptoms are regarded as obstacles for practitioners. You may develop
these symptoms because you have too strong an intention to get results. You don't want
any thoughts to arise. You want to be calm. The mind is too controlled; it is not free.
These symptoms occur due to too much concentration.

To solve this problem, stop for a while and adjust your vision by looking into the
distance, looking at the top of a tree, sky, etc. Relax and look around outside.
Alternatively, you may breathe in deeply, stop, then exhale slowly. Do this five times. It
will clear your brain. You will feel relaxed and at ease. Any stress or scattered thoughts
will disappear. Or you may drink lots of water. Water not only refreshes you but also
helps to de-stress you. After these symptoms have gone, you can resume your practice.
You will not be stressed if you practise at ease with a little smile on your face.

22. How can I solve the problem of having the desire to achieve quick results?

It is normal to expect a result. However, if you are too hopeful, your mind will
struggle and not be peaceful because of the desire. You will be full of doubts about the
practice and this will be an obstacle for you. Results come from the work you put into
something. Developing awareness is like building up your work. You should
concentrate on this. If the work is done properly and sufficiently, you don't even
have to think about the results. It will automatically come to you.

23. How can we overcome our fear?

If you mean 'fear of ghosts', then stay put in order to confront the fear as it arises.
Do not run away, as this fear may lead you to wisdom. Be fully aware of the fear and it
will go away. If it doesn't, then be attentive to your bodily movements. Consciously
make fast and forceful movements to combat the fear. Be a little patient. When it has
reached its peak, it will begin to diminish and finally disappear. Fear is mind conditioning
so it is impermanent and cannot last. The Lord Buddha advises us to "be aware of

suffering", confront it without running away. Ghosts will only haunt people who are
afraid of them.

24. How can we prepare our mind when physical aches and pains arise during the
practice?

Be mindful of them because you need to be aware of suffering. And be a little
patient so that you will learn something from this experience. Then change your posture
with awareness to relieve those aches and pains. Change your posture with awareness
without feeling unhappy or annoyed. Physical pain is normal. In fact, you should be
thankful for being able to feel aches and pains. It shows that your body still functions
properly. If the body can feel no sensation, that means there is something wrong with it.
It may be paralysed like mine.

25. I usually get attached to and want tranquillity while developing awareness.
What should I do?

In the practice of developing awareness, one does not aim for tranquillity alone.
The focus is mainly on being fully awake and alert at all times. Tranquillity is, for the
practitioner, only something on the way. If your mind becomes still and absorbed
without being aware of anything, then get out of that state. Don't get stuck in it. This is
the tranquillity of ignorance. It makes the mind inactive. The mind neither wants to
make any bodily movements nor be aware of anything. Your practice will go nowhere if
you get attached to and aim only for tranquillity. When you fail to achieve the state of
tranquillity, you will suffer as tranquillity itself is not permanent.

The way to practise is to be aware of the mind when it is calm. When the
mind is not calm, be aware of that also. Then let them both go. Don't be attached to
either of them. If your mind gets stuck in the state of tranquillity, then consciously move
any part of your body fast and forcefully. Or you can change your posture to heighten
awareness so that it will become fully awake and alert.

Buddhist teaching is far beyond the level of being absorbed in tranquillity. It
is to have wisdom beyond tranquillity, to see tranquillity and to always be aware
and mindful. This is tranquillity with awareness.

(Photograph and extract, between p. 136 - 138)

Buddhist teaching is far beyond

the level of being absorbed in tranquillity.

It is to have wisdom beyond tranquillity,

to see tranquillity

and to always be aware and mindful.

This is tranquillity with awareness.

26. What should one do when doubts arise while practising?

When any doubts arise while practising, don't try to find any answers. Otherwise,
one will remain doubtful, always looking for answers without ending. The way to
overcome doubts is to not get caught up in them. See that a doubt is not us or ours.
Observe it and see it as only mental conditioning. Doubts will destabilise the mind's
balance and make it distracted. It will suffer. As soon as we are aware and see through
them, we will be instantly free from them.

27. How can we overcome the desire for sensual pleasures?

The desires for sensual pleasures make the mind agitated, exhausted, unbalanced,
and confused. It will suffer. Desire for sensual pleasures is caused by thoughts. In order
to overcome this desire, you have to overcome thoughts first. To overcome thoughts,
you have to constantly develop awareness, as this will watch over thoughts so that they
hardly arise. Awareness will intercept thoughts. Luang Por Teean made a comparison
that awareness is like a cat; whereas thoughts are like mice. When we have mice in
our house, we don't have to chase them away. We keep a cat and feed it well so that it
will be strong enough to catch the mice.

Developing awareness is like feeding the cat. If you keep on doing this, awareness
will increase and you will be able to overcome the desire for sensual pleasures that comes
with thoughts.

28. How can we overcome anger?

Anger is a condition of the mind. It defiles the mind and makes the body develop
all kinds of illnesses and diseases. Your skin becomes dull and you suffer physically and
psychologically. When one is angry, one will be unhappy in this life and in the afterlife.
Contemplate anger to see how much suffering it brings, see its many harmful effects, you
will not want to be angry again.

When anger arises, be aware of it with a balanced mind. Don't say or do anything.
Be patient and wait. Anger will finally diminish and disappear. Luang Por Khamkhian
told us to "watch and see, to make pure observation without identifying with or
becoming it" because anger itself is impermanent and not-self. If anger persists and gets
stronger, then concentrate on your bodily movements. Move faster, more forcefully and
continuously for some time. Or you may breathe in deeply, stop for ten seconds, then
exhale slowly. Do this five times with awareness, the anger will go by itself.

There is a Buddhist proverb, "Eliminating anger makes life peaceful". What's
the use of being angry and making yourself unhappy? Soon people you are angry with
will pass away according to their karma and you will also pass away according to your
karma. They will die and you will also die. Are we going to harbour animosity towards
each other till the day we die? It is better to forgive one another, as all beings share the
same experience of suffering. It is better to be friends.

29. How come you neither have to close your eyes nor recite mantras when you
develop awareness according to Luang Por Teean's approach?

You can close your eyes if you like. It is not compulsory. But you don't have to
close your eyes. You can naturally open your eyes as normal. Regarding a mantra, you
need not have a mantra. A mantra is used by the practitioner to be aware of the here and
now. However, with Luang Por Teean's approach, a mantra is not required. You are to
be aware of your bodily movements directly. The body movements are used as a
foundation of awareness, which is called 'Kayanupassana Satipatthana' (mindfulness as
regards to the body).

30. In your daily life, people come to talk to you, and you have to listen to many
stories, some are important and some are not. How do you feel and how do you
develop awareness?

I just listen and if I can give some advice to them, I will do it conventionally. I
regard everyone who comes to talk to me as a good friend, a friend who shares the
experience of suffering in life. It doesn't matter whether what they say is important or
not. I do not mind. But I do think it must be important for them. I can listen to
whatever people have to say, rightly or not, that doesn't bother me. I just pay full
attention to what they want to say so that they can get it off their chest, without me
having to give any advice or say anything. I just listen neutrally with a balanced mind.
Sometimes they go home feeling happy after having talked, so it is useful to both myself
and them. What's important is whether we are attached to what they say or not. These
situations are also good for testing one's mind. They are good Dhamma lessons and
instruments for me.

To develop awareness while listening to stories or engaged in a conversation, you
will listen and converse normally with full awareness. Keep your mind balanced in the
state of normality, not going up or down. Stay fully in the present moment. This is how
one develops awareness based on the four foundations of mindfulness, without having to
depend on a particular form.

(Photograph and extract, between p. 139 - 141)

When one is angry,

one will be unhappy

in this life and in the afterlife.

Contemplate anger to see

how much suffering it brings,

see its many harmful effects,

you will not want to be angry again.

(picture and extract, after page 142)

A fully aware person gets better every day.

(back cover - inside)

Anything I experience,

whether suffering or thoughts,

is there for me to investigate.

It is an object for training the mind,

to reveal the Truth, to help me gain wisdom,

and to test my mind.

I just have to do what I can to pass the test.

Where there is suffering,

no n- suffering is also there.

We can choose not to suffer

without having to escape to seek happiness.

Happiness is right here with us

in the present moment.

I saw this as a transformation of my life.

The mind has been transformed

from being disabled to being in a state of normality.

The mind is transformed

from suffering to no n- suffering.

It is a psychological,

not physical, transformation.

"Awareness" has also helped me change,

and given me a new life.

(back cover - outside)

I feel it has been worthwhile living as a disabled person for these many years.
Problems or obstacles that pass into my life are lessons, teachers, and instruments for
teaching me the Dhamma. They are there for me to investigate and to learn from, they
make me more experienced and help me gain wisdom. Because of suffering, I have
discovered the path to the cessation of suffering.

Today I no longer reject suffering. I sometimes feel thankful that it has given me an
opportunity to study life, to know myself, and to train my mind in accordance with the
path of the Dhamma. It has led me to find a bright path; an inner happiness, happiness in
the Dhamma. This happiness is peaceful and real. It is the happiness that arises from a
mind that is free from suffering.

Internet Archive Audio

Featured

Top

Images

Featured

Top

Software

Featured

Top

Texts

Featured

Top

Video

Featured

Top

Mobile Apps

Browser Extensions

Archive-It Subscription

Save Page Now

Full text of "Bright and Shining Mind in a Disabled Body"

See other formats